Chapter 13 Secret Thoughts (Part 1): Fear

The current boyfriend Fang Renkai had not moved to California yet. In addition to being mentally abnormal and life was disordered, my body was always weird. I always thought I was sick, but I couldn't say what kind of disease I had. I just felt uncomfortable.

More often, look in the mirror, look at your face and body up and down; touch here and pinch there

For example, check whether there are any hard swelling, lumps, skin color changes, or markings

Look carefully at your face and white eyes to see if there are signs of yellow gallbladder or liver disease; or stick out your tongue, observe the color of the tongue coating, squeeze the edge of the tongue with your teeth, and try to see if there will be some tooth marks; at the same time, be afraid of whether you have any organ cancer

Of course, it is also necessary to pay attention to private parts and lower body.

Every time I take a shower, I hold a small mirror in my hand and look at my vagina. I open my lip and carefully check if there is anything?

Or is the skin smooth on the tender part?

Then, he deliberately rubbed and tested the extent to which his sexual organs were stimulated and secretion leaked?

When there is a slight sensory reaction, insert your finger into the vagina to check whether the flesh wall is wet or not

If you feel a little wet, stop and put your fingers under your nose to smell if there is any odor. When everything is normal, let go of a fear, worry, and fear of old age.

In addition to standing in front of the mirror, observe the curve of the buttocks; or stand up in the mirror and look back in the mirror to see the size of the buttocks, the proportion to the entire body, and whether there is any fat; also use the palm to stroke the skin of the fleshy petals, or pinch the muscles to check whether it is smooth and elastic?

Because I know deeply that my upper body is not very good, only from my waist to my hips and thighs, which is quite easy to see; so every time I go to bed with a man, they never praise my butt; they say that although I am thin, my lower body curve is still quite plump and beautiful

And I also feel that fortunately my waist is not thick, which makes my buttocks look very round; even though it is not very upturned, it does not collapse flat; among oriental women, I am still proud and maintain a little bit of confidence in my figure.

Whenever a man said he wanted to insert it from behind, I would quickly follow it, kneel down, and raise my butt to greet him.

When I stroked and kneaded my buttocks, I would think of the man's hands, playing with my butt like this; his big palm felt like I was tender or smooth, and was it elastic

As long as the light illuminates the buttocks, if there are any flaws on it, it will not escape his eyes.

Even if it doesn't disappoint him, at least I think that even the most attractive part of me is not perfect!

Then shouldn't I pay more attention and maintain it carefully?

So, my backhanded palms each pulled a buttocks and pulled them apart to both sides.

Looking back and looking carefully at the center of the buttocks petal mound, I observed whether the sunken buttocks groove was clean and flawless?

Is it normal to connect to an anus that is being torn apart and exposed?

It was not until my neck was tired because my head had been turned for too long; at the same time, due to distance, I couldn't see clearly, so I gave up standing in front of the mirror and switched to a squatting position.

I first took the mirror I held and placed it flat on the tiled floor where the light was pressed down; then, I squatted above the mirror, adjusted the angle of the light and my squatting posture so that the entire perineum and anus, could be seen clearly under the reflection of the mirror.

Squat and keep it still, then stretch your hand to the bottom to touch: Press gently with your fingertips to detect the hardness and softness of the skin and muscles, and whether it is elastic; finally, apply some soap to lubricate the wet fingers, or directly dip it into the anus with thick lubricating oil paste, and insert it into the anus; while thrusting, tighten the buttocks and exerting force to activate the sphincter; at the same time, focus on the feeling of the anal flesh ring on the fingers

I'll verify that my part of my excretion organs are also operating normally

I do this way of self-checking my body more and more frequently, and I worry more and more whether I am normal or not?

And not only physically, but also worried about whether you have fallen into uncontrollable and compulsive pathological behaviors psychologically?

Because whenever I do this, I forget that I am masturbating and masturbating; I completely lose the passion for sex in my heart. Not only can I not feel the man's fanaticism, but I also have no trace of affection. I want to give him the desire to love.

Only the body feels strong stimulation, which makes me feel uncontrollable and strange pleasure; while indulging in it, I also desire relief

Let the unknown symbol of male in my mind fill and occupy my whole body; treat and deal with it in various ways

But I am willing to accept and bear it; I hope that I can finally reach orgasm in the unrestrained and selfless manner.

However, even if it is purely sensory stimulation, I may not be able to reach orgasm again and again

Sometimes, I can't help but think of the disease I fear in my heart; sometimes I think that a man will suddenly leave my body and disappear without a trace; and sometimes, I am afraid that no matter how hard I work and do my best to please him, he is still dissatisfied and still thinks I am not good enough

The anxiety and fear intertwined, the more I wanted to be relieved, the more I couldn't be relieved; my body was extremely difficult to get, so I could only ask for help in despair. External force: Run to the cabinet where the towel was placed, take out the marinade brush for barbecue hidden on the back of the shelf, quickly wash its wooden handle, and stuff it into the vagina; use it as a substitute for the penis [as written by Zhu Guanfeng in Xiaoqing's Story Chapter 25]

From the size and texture you have become accustomed to, you can quickly reach orgasm like taking a shortcut

But because of this, every time I checked myself, I felt extremely empty, mixed with a strong regret and self-blame.

Especially, using your fingers is not enough. You have to ask for help from the wooden handle of the brush to get rid of this, which makes me feel extremely ashamed.

Asked over and over again: Why?

Why do you become so dirty and so dirty as you get older?

Why is the pure and flawless me who was still young back then? Although I am not extremely beautiful, I am not ugly; I was also a little beauty praised by elders and relatives and friends; now I am so unbearable?

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So, I hurriedly opened the photo album and found the photos taken in high school, college, and even the first marriage. I looked at the girl with bright eyebrows and big eyes and a pretty face, letting her thoughts wander back to the past

Let the memories that turn pages evoke the brightness and innocence of the flowers back then; let me and the smiles displayed in the photos bring back a trace of sweetness and inject it into my bitter heart again

Knowing in my heart: these temporary and a little memories are the auspicious pieces of life that have passed. Like the smoke and clouds that cannot be grasped, they will fade and disappear.

And the sweetness in the aftertaste is just the comfort of the soul's pursuit!

When I think of this, tears of incompetence rolled in my eyes

Faced with the closed photo album, I couldn't help but fall into worry again

Worry and fear are not only age and aging; it also leads to the emptiness of the soul as life is empty, causing me to be afraid of the times, but on the other hand, the increasingly dissatisfied resentment has made me steal the forbidden fruit, and become more greedy. Finally, I can't control myself and masturbate, and I sink day and night to the point where I can't extricate myself. I also feel regretful and self-blame again and again, worried that my spirit will collapse at any time.

I must never, and I cannot let myself be dragged into the vortex of no return. I must stop it in time!

The more I worry, the more I want to tell myself: Really!

I'm really just checking my body

When women reach this age, they should care more about their health in all aspects; Besides, if I check the genitals, or excretion organs, I don’t have to have anything to do with dating or relationships!

Only by paying attention to health and realizing the importance of the beauty of the body can we properly maintain and maintain the needs; resist aging caused by age and keep youth alive

Don't these make sense!?

Then, because I realize that the years will eventually disappear, I remember the infinite love of the past; I often think of the experiences I had when I was young, the mood at that time, and many little things happening

It shouldn’t be surprising that new emotions arise about all kinds of people and things that have been deeply felt!

After saying this, I feel a little better; I feel that I should cheer up again, look around the reality with reason, and face myself

I also told myself repeatedly not to masturbate in the future!…

Even if you have to do it, you should at least put your heart into the imagination of love and have an object to which you can rely on.

And that partner, that man, can be the boy he admired in the past, or the idol he liked during his growth stage, or even an old acquaintance who had once or twice a chance to get along with him after marriage but never had any cheating with them...

Of course, it also includes the lover Fang Renkai who is most eager for and lingering in my soul!