Huobo, tears of crying: Sorry, it's my fault, I wet your clothes with tears
The traditional Chinese characteristics made me wake up in my sleep. I haven’t been worried about the three meals for more than ten years. When I remember that my wallet was only 30 yuan left, I stood up in the bed like a zombie.
Even though I cook at home all day, I don’t have the money to buy meat and vegetables. I spend my wife’s money and give her gifts, and end up being poor.
After washing my head, I returned to my room. I believe I still have money in the room, but I didn't find it yesterday. I looked at the bookshelf and found the Chinese-English dictionary with clear goals. Open the page and took out the 200 yuan from it. After receiving 200 yuan, I glanced at the books in the bookshelf and saw the thick collection of the Four Books and Five Classics. Open the title page, there were 3 100 pieces with a huge sum of 500 yuan. My heart became peaceful and fulfilling, and the world returned to my feet. It was just that these days I would go back to my lifestyle 10 years ago and paid in cash.
After eating a bowl of noodles cooked by Jingxin at home, I started doing my homework. I opened WeChat and found that Jingxinli told me that I wanted to eat cod today, and sent me a red envelope of 100 yuan.
Is this the default I have to book supper now?
I smiled slightly at the screen. This is actually good. I regained the feeling of being trusted.
It took two hours to do the homework today, and I am still walking on the verge of playing. Today I am writing the impression of an old movie, not as homework.
At the beginning, I really forgot the name of this movie, and I found it by searching through Qianbaidu based on my memory
"Born for Yourself" is a 15-year-old movie about a man who looks very similar to a woman. Xiao Guang suffers from gender disorders. With long hair, she will encounter gangsters when she goes to the streets. She finds that she is a man and beats her and leaves a pervert.
She tried her best to change her sex and become a woman, but she encountered opposition from her family.
Of course this is a normal reaction. I believe that no one out of 100 families will accept that their children will change their gender. Maybe more people will accept homosexuality, but they will not be much better.
When Xiaoguang's mother blamed herself for her education, I was not Lu Ming's father at that time, so I naturally had no feelings. Looking back now, if Lu Ming told me that she likes girls and wants to be a boy, I could barely accept the first one, but the second one, I would really doubt whether there was a problem with the education?
In the end, Xiaoguang in the play finally found the organization and found her unwavering belief. Her family finally agreed to her choice. She also set out to realize her dream with her efforts.
My summary of this movie is that as long as it is not a sinister way of committing an illegal or criminal act, firmly believe in your choice and follow the path you choose, gender is born, but your love is irrepressible and forced. Love is love, not love is not love, and there is no happiness. If you think your gender is wrong, should you live a life of difficulty or look at yourself bravely? Sometimes you can endure the calm moment and take a step back and lose your house. If you miss the choice, you may regret it for the rest of your life.
As for the Oedipus complex, I don’t dare to write a thought about this subject now. I have watched a Korean movie "Mobius" before, which describes the protagonist’s love for his mother. After meeting a grocery store girl who is exactly the same as her mother, she fell in love with her crazy and regarded her as a substitute for her mother. In fact, these two actors are the same person, and the details inside are very bloody. I dare not write this story in notes. This sexual hint is too obvious. Now I can’t touch Jingxin’s thoughts. Writing this rashly may arouse her disgust.
Thinking of this, I licked my lips with my tongue, and remembered the brief feeling of last night. I wonder what her mentality had last night kissed me?
Is it a physical reaction that I can’t help but or does my mother-son relationship knowingly commit?
I think I can't get the answer, at least there is no need to ask this question before confirming the relationship with her
After finding the download resource of "Born for Oneself" without changing its name, I put it on the desktop, so I went out to have a meal and buy vegetables
Today I need to reserve time for Jingxin to watch movies or find resources on my computer. I will not watch it on her, but I must leave enough time to leave home for a reason
The script was so frequent that I looked around my room. When I saw basketball, I remembered the basketball team that Guan Weihao mentioned when I first woke up. I chatted with Guan Weihao privately: I suddenly want to play basketball, and I will practice with me tonight?
I'm afraid I'll forget how to fight
Guan Weihao quickly replied to me and said: OK, at 7:30 tonight, I will send you a positioning for the basketball court in my village.
I am also very curious whether I can still play basketball. I am not interested in basketball because I am not interested in basketball, but Ma naturally should still be a good person. In terms of playing basketball, is it more physical or muscle memory?
There may be a result tonight
After going out for a fast food, I went to the supermarket to blow up the air conditioner. After wandering around for half a minute, I bought the cod that Hao Jingxin wanted to eat, and then took a few dishes to go home to cook.
I have seen some short videos recently, which are the differences between parents in the 708090s and their children. I don’t know why, when I woke up at first, I thought Jingxin was a standard image of a mother from the 1980s. However, after the past half month of contact, I felt that she gradually overlapped with her mother from the 1990s. I can’t tell the details, it was as if she was younger, and even more young than when I met her back then.
I don't know if she will sing rap?
The more I think about it, the more outrageous she becomes. If she continues to think about it, she becomes a person who can rap, skydiving, drive tanks and program
The cod I made today is very simple. I used to fry it occasionally at home, but at the end I looked at the sea salt and black pepper and had some difficulty choosing.
I used to give both, but when I saw the cod that was placed in front of me now, I felt that I shouldn’t put black pepper on it. This feeling was very strong, and I don’t know where it came from. Does fried cod without black pepper still have a soul?
In the end, I convinced myself not to do so, after all, it is okay to change the taste.
Today, Jingxin came back about ten minutes later than before. After she returned, she only cleaned it for a while before coming to have dinner. In her bank uniform, she unbuttoned the two buttons on the top, and her beautiful black stockings crossed her legs and swayed with slippers. I asked: Mom, I didn’t put black pepper when frying cod. Do you want to add some now?
She directly raised the loose cod meat and said: No, I will add sea salt when eating cod. Fortunately, you didn’t add black pepper to Xiaoma. I don’t hate it, but I don’t like it very much.
Mom, don’t you eat black pepper?
It's either Ah, but I don't eat it. I didn't give it black pepper when I fryed it before. You forget it... Oh... You really forgot it.
Jingxin said that this was no longer as lost as before.
But I was confused: Did I hesitate just now, or did I subconsciously remember that Jingxin couldn’t put black pepper on the cod, so I chose not to put it?
The former is fine, but it is just a coincidence. If it is the latter, does it mean that in addition to memory, I actually retain many of Ma Yan's subconscious actions, including my own self-contained plans?
It doesn't matter how much I think, so I lowered my head to eat. Jingxin thought I was worried about my memory again, so she gently stroked my hair with her little hands: It's okay, don't lose it.
I'm fine, I'm just eating, I'm pushing my head upwards, just like a cat begging to touch me, I'm just thinking that Guan Weihao asked me to play basketball, should I go?
It’s great to go to Ah, boys play more basketball. You haven’t exercised much in the past half month after you wake up. You can do your best. If you are uncomfortable, remember to stop immediately. Pay attention to protecting your head and don’t be too intense. I communicated with Dr. Wan about your situation. You have nothing to do now. You can play basketball, but if you don’t play enough, remember to admit defeat and don’t be impulsive...
Unexpectedly, I turned on Jingxin's Tang Monk mode with just one sentence, but it felt so good to be cared for by her.
Well, I'll go out after dinner. It may take a while. Mom, you're washing dishes. I'll put my homework on the table. If you want to check, check it. If you don't check it, forget it. Try to come back before 10 o'clock
I think she will check it out, my computer has always been in screensaver state, providing a good fuse for the outbreak tonight
Suddenly I felt shameless. I deliberately caused Huo Jingxin to test the bottom line when I woke up
But how can you break this boundary if you are not shameless?
I put on my sportswear and walked out of the house, setting off along Guan Weihao's positioning
It was a rich village. It turned out that Guan Weihao was a rich student who could earn several thousand or tens of thousands of yuan a month when he went to school. No wonder he seemed so casual in spending money.
The basketball court in their village is more beautiful than those in some communities, and there are iron nets around it. No one in the village should be unable to enter. When I arrived, Guan Weihao was already playing basketball with two other people there, and it seemed that he was one or two years older than us.
Guan Weihao said when he saw me: Uncle Da, you have finally refreshed normally.
The two of you who didn't know looked at me curiously, not understanding what the normal refresh meant by Guan Weihao's words
Guan Weihao threw the ball over with one hand, and the direction was my face. Jingxin's advice in front of the door appeared in my mind, don't slap in the face!
I quickly caught the ball with my hand and threw it back accurately: Don't slap Ah in the face, I still have amnesia, I'm afraid of concussion
Guan Weihao's face changed after hearing this and said: Sorry! I forgot about this. Brothers, Uncle Da had been in the yard for half a month. Don't be too conflicted today in the friendly match.
It turns out that the normal refresh you said is about Ah, did Uncle Da forget us? The tall man approached me and patted my shoulder
I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, as if I wanted to recall his name from my mind, and suddenly a name flashed by: Scallion rice?
Guan Weihao was stunned for a moment when he heard this and asked cautiously: Are your memories recovering?
Is it really called Xiaotang Rice? This noun does flash through my mind, but I don’t know what it means. Logically, this does not look like a person’s name. I just said it tentatively and made a mistake?
I am Guan Weimi, he is Guan Weicong. We are all older than you in the third year of junior high school. Ah Hao and Uncle Da have lost their memory? Didn't you tell us?
Guan Weihao patted his head and said: I really forgot that Uncle Da has lost his memory. After all, I have played scripts with him several times, and he is even better than me. How can I remember that he is an amnesia person
I gritted my teeth and thought about what was going on. Xiaotang Rice is not a name, but I correspond to the first two people above. Is Ma Natural's memory recovering?
Thinking back to what was wrong today, when I woke up and found that I had no money, I accurately found the money I had caught in the two books. This is probably unreasonable with my subconscious mind.
I was a little panicked. If this continues, who am I? I am still Huanjue. I was actually Ma Natural from beginning to end, but I have a memory of Huanjue for the time being.
So Jingxin was my mother from beginning to end, not a college classmate?
The anxiety in my heart made me want to rush home immediately, but reality does not allow it. I must leave enough time to complete my previous plan.
Seeing that I was silent, Guan Weihao said: Take your time, sit down first, Zhahui and someone from my village will come over later, and the show will be started. If you are uncomfortable, I can also call the people in my village to the top.
I nodded. Guan Weihao is indeed an elegant man. This kind of rich, funny, caring and athletic man will not waste being a Neptune.
Zhahui came to the stadium first. When he saw me, he walked over and sat next to me excitedly. He waved to Guan Weihao and said: Mr. Hao, I'll talk to Uncle Da first, you guys will play first.
Zhahui hit him with his hand and asked: How is the progress?
Didn't I post your pictures? I dare not speak loudly. Although it is far away, the topics of these taboos in public are very terrifying.
What happened after massage and kissing your mother? Zhahui smiled obscenely, looking forward to expressing her expression of explosive messages from me
Can you restrain your vulgar appearance? I have taught you carefully, so that others will know what pornographic things you are thinking at a glance. You must learn from me that you are not showing your emotions.
Do you think everyone is as beautiful as you? Zhahui cut it off, many people know about the three of you going to CS, be careful that there are gay men who are making you burst into your anus
My plan is to act gay. I revealed my plan to Zhahui in detail, and even said that I wrote a sexual note today
Wow! Your approach is very extreme. What if your mother agrees to come out? If she doesn’t help her, she will just quarrel with you. How could she think of having sex with you?
Zhahui's language is always so straightforward, and it also directly points out the unpredictability of this plan.
I made a ban gesture, and he spoke a little loudly. Guan Weihao was playing on the court, but he was guilty and didn't want anyone to hear even a slight message.
Didn’t I have a script killing plan later? I have been wearing women’s clothing to play script killing these days, and last time I went to the store with her in women’s clothing.
Tell me, I don't know about this
Zhahui patted my thighs. This kind of slutty action aroused my disgust. I moved his hand away and said: I went to play script killing the day before yesterday. I went with her in women's clothing. The one I played had a wedding, and it happened that I was cross-dressing the male character in the eyes of the store and got married to my mother.
Fuck! Exciting! There is still this way to play script killing? Unfortunately, my mother doesn't know how to play these
You've been doing it for so long, and you still need these ambiguous rituals? I couldn't help but complain
This is true. If we want to have a church, we can go directly to the church to wear clothes. Zhahui replied, suddenly patting his legs: This is a good idea
You really want this, right? If you are on the news, I will give up his mind quickly
It doesn't matter, you don't know that you have no memory. I don't have a dad. My mother said it was not long after I got married. When I was almost born, I took drugs and followed the underworld. Maybe I went to the Golden Triangle to get involved. I was quite conscience and didn't harm my family. However, my mother has no education and can only do some labor work. Later, I made a lot of money in the club, so I kept working. But now I'm a manager. I'm just willing to fuck me.
After saying that, he seemed to talk about something he didn't want to mention and spit out a saliva. My mother and I looked like a sibling relationship at most. I looked so mature. If someone I knew, it could be said that my father was not here. I took a wedding photo.
I looked at his face and it was indeed maturer than me and was rougher.
Don't talk about me anymore, continue on. Zhahui asked curiously again
That time she went to the script to kill, and she also questioned whether I chose this kind of book with the plot of the church, but I only found out that there was a meeting on the same day, and we were randomly selected. I didn't expect that I could still choose her and I. Fortunately, she had a good time that day. She was still talking about it while having a meal, and I said that there was a book with two days and one night in Guangshan City, and she seemed very interested.
You decided to go and play without hesitation? Zhahui asked with his eyes glowing
It's not that fast. If I bought the ticket immediately that day, it would be too anxious. The next day, my mother's birthday was looking for red envelopes at home and then exchanged for Guan Weihao's electronic wallet. I bought a ticket of 1288, which was a birthday gift for her. She was so excited that she wanted to hug me and kiss her face. Fortunately, my reflex arc was fast enough. She turned around and kissed her mouth to mouth. When she was stunned, my tongue reached in to tease her. When she didn't react, she kissed me a few times.
Good! So good! I thought it was interesting to hear you say. My mother is good at everything, but she guided it too fast and didn't have much sense of accomplishment. Ah Zhahui sighed
Don’t eat in the bowl and look in the pot. The strategy is low and it is boring. If the strategy is difficult, you will envy others and think it is cheating.
Zhahui touched his hair and laughed: This is true, anyway, I got what I want, but your strategy process really makes me envious of Ah
Is it another thing to say if it is OK? If the strategy fails, then this life will be over
Be cautious when you should be careful, make decision when you should be determined, defend when you should be defend, attack when you should be attacking, I believe you can do it, he slapped my shoulder with his palm, laughing
Uncle Zha Huida, someone is here, it’s time to start the game! Guan Weihao shouted on the court, it turned out that the village brothers he called were in place, and the official opening was possible
After we all arrived on the court, Guan Weihao said to the last boy: That, let me talk first. Uncle Da was hospitalized in the early days and had a little amnesia. I don’t know if I still remember playing basketball. I’ll give in to him later.
What's wrong? Uncle Da, have you lost your memory? Do you still remember me? Gorilla! A strong boy made a bodybuilder pose, revealing his developed muscles
I shook my head, I didn't really have any impression
It doesn't matter, let's act as a sparring coach. Guan Weicong said, throw the basketball to me
I naturally took it up and thought in my mind whether playing basketball would be like riding a bicycle. As long as I learn it, how long will I know the muscle movements?
After I signaled everyone, the exercise officially began. I found that I was very skilled in shooting in extraordinary places. Many times, I had already scored without reacting.
Guan Weihao pinched my neck with his arm and said: You haven't forgotten how to play basketball, but unfortunately it's the day after tomorrow. You didn't train with others this time, so you didn't have time to play.
I had no intention of participating in the competition and said: I haven't fully recovered yet. What should I do if someone knocked down the competition later?
Guan Weihao let go of my body: This is also true, I forgot again, come and continue, then treat it as helping me train
The atmosphere on the field was very warm, and I gradually found the feel. This familiar feeling must have come from Ma Yuan himself
It was almost two hours since we were already past 9 o'clock. We were all sweating profusely, sitting by the side of the court drinking water, preparing to end the game after rest
Uncle Da, it seems that you just lost your memory of our relationship, and your knowledge and physical fitness are not lost.
Guan Weihao sighed
Is this considered a conclusion to a scientific experiment of amnesia? Guan Weicong said, it turns out that amnesia just forgets the relationship with the characters, but still remembers daily affairs.
This is a single example, I can't do it correctly
Of course I have to deny it. After all, I am not really amnesia. Specifically, I am more like taking over the body. It’s just that the main owner is still alive and I don’t know how my soul is split into Ma Nan.
Uncle Da, you remember our flower name, maybe you still have a vague impression. Look at the basketball frame?
Guan Weimi pointed to the half-time playing ball just now and said
I looked at the basketball frame and closed my eyes. It seemed like a scene flashing like a movie scene. A basketball from the first perspective hit the rebound. The glass suddenly shattered and fell together with the ball frame. The ball frame just scattered directly on my head.
I don't know if the scene in my mind is real, I said hesitantly: There is a scene in my mind, where a basketball is thrown in the upper left corner of the rebound, and then the entire glass is broken, and the basketball frame is dropped, as if the ball frame is still smashed onto my head.
That's right! This is what Mr. Hao threw when we played basketball here last year. You were grabbing the rebound. Unexpectedly, the glass broke and the frame hit you directly on the head. Fortunately, you blocked it with your hands.
Zha Hui said excitedly, it seems that he will still have some memory.
I didn't make a sound when I heard this. They knew that I was recalling it, but there were storms in my heart.
How could I have Ma Nan's memory? Although it is like watching a movie, it turns out that this scene was something I experienced. But now I have become a bystander watching movie clips. Does this mean that Ma Nan's memory has always been in the depths of his mind, but it has been temporarily sealed, and will recover sooner or later one day.
So who will I become? What I thought I was Huan Jue in the past half month was actually fake. I was Ma Natural from beginning to end. Jingxin, a college classmate I always thought, was his son who was conquering his mother from beginning to end, both in body and soul?
My breathing became rapid. Guan Weihao noticed my abnormality and hurriedly held my shoulder and asked: Are you okay? Don’t think about it if you can’t remember. If you don’t feel well, I’ll take you home.
I waved my hand and declined his kindness. I temporarily put down the question that couldn't find the answer. After calming down my emotions, I said to them: I'm fine. At that moment, I really wanted to find my memory, so I was a little nervous. It seems that I suddenly had an illness, which scared you.
Is it really okay? Guan Weihao and Zhahui asked
After my affirmative reply, they asked me to walk for about ten steps before they could feel at ease to let me go home by myself. Zhahui and I walked along the way and accompanied me for a short distance. Before saying goodbye, they told me to go home and go back to WeChat.
I nodded. After all, I was not really a sudden illness, I just had a little difficulty accepting my current state
I returned home in a heavy mood and saw that my room was still on, so I knew that Jingxin was still in my room. For a moment, I didn't know what attitude to face her
I changed my shoes and sent everyone a WeChat message to ensure safety. Then I took a deep breath and came to the door of the room. I saw that she was actually watching "Born for Oneself" downloaded by me. I had almost finished watching it. After seeing me, she didn't react much and signaled me to take a shower first.
I know maybe another snowstorm is coming. I have prepared for this matter in advance, but I was a little discouraged when I was playing basketball just now. Now I want to make a mess.
After taking a shower, I sat quietly on the bed behind her. At this time, she had already watched that movie. She crossed her legs and looked at the empty computer desktop with her back to me. I knew she must have something to say.
Do you know what pseudo-woman and gay are? After a long time of quietness, Jingxin turned around and finally asked in front of me.
I know, of course I know, she has seen the video I downloaded, she should use this entry point to talk to me
Is this movie you downloaded considered a pseudo-woman and a gay man?
I turned my head and looked at her eyes. I found that she didn't seem to be too intense. I pinched the bed sheet with my fingers and shook my head boldly and said: This should not count. After all, the sissy is dressed as a feminine and does not have a strong desire to change gender in my heart. The gay man is two men in love. In this movie, I think she is not a sissy man from the heart, and from the appearance, she is not a gay man from the heart.
Then why do I think this person has not yet undergone gender conversion? He is actually a pseudo-woman who is essentially a man. If he likes a man, isn't that homosexual?
Jingxin ignored my fallacies and explained her views
Of course, I also think my point of view is untenable, and I lowered my head and remained silent.
Did you do it on purpose? Jingxin kicked my calves with her feet. Logically, I should have enjoyed it at this time, but now I feel a chill, not blown out by the air conditioner.
Are you testing my bottom line? Seeing that I didn't say anything, she continued to ask
I did write my review after watching this movie, I have no other ideas
You are going to wear women's clothing in front of me four times, download this movie, and write this note to explain your point of view. Are you trying to get me to accept your quirk?
Jingxin's tone began to rise a little, and the anger value increased significantly
I don't, I really just think that the view I should have after watching the movie is like this, just like what I wrote, love is love, not love is not love, and I have no happiness after reading it, so I think I should write this way. I can't think that this is not good, and distort my ideas against my will to write opinions that I don't agree with.
Speaking of this, I was a little passionate. In fact, I really think so. I don’t dare to write my own opinions on notes. So I hide everything in my heart, so why do I write?
This is the reason why you download those fake womb-sexy sex movies and add boys to small movies? I didn’t expect that Jingxin exposed the movie I downloaded today
You peek at my computer! I have to pretend to be angry, why do you peek at my computer? Who gives you the right!
I am your mother, I bought all your computers, why can't I look at your computer? Jingxin stood up and roared, her chest thrust excitedly together.
I... I'm mine when you buy it for me. What I download depends on you? Do you know what privacy is?
I pretended to go to the living room to calm down. When I was about to rush out, Jingxin quickly slapped the door with one step. The door made a loud bang, and you could hear it on the ten or eight floors downstairs.
What do you mean? I glared in her eyes. Can't I see you?
I don't want you to rush out and hit your head like last time. How long has it been last time? What should I do if you hit it again and become a vegetative person? Jingxin leaned directly on the door and refused to move a step.
Last time you said I was reading pornographic novels, and I rushed to my head in shame and anger. Did you also read these contents? You dare not tell me!
This... I asked Jingxin, I didn’t know how to answer, was the answer yes or not?
You answer Ah! I supported my hands on both sides of her head, facing her whole body, and with my eyes facing each other, I saw a hint of shame in her eyes.
Yes! Her answer was beyond my expectations, and I thought she would answer no
Not like! I spitted at her mouth. Now I should look disgusting when the blue veins are exposed. I even see Jingxin dare not look directly at my face.
What's wrong? She hung down, held the door panel, stretched her legs forward half a step, and looked half a head lower than before, and she became even weaker in momentum
If you discovered this last time, I really watched these things and found out, you wouldn’t be like this when you went to the comic exhibition COS and scripts to kill women’s clothing in the past half month. I still missed women’s clothing after losing my memory. How could you still play scripts with me?
My statement is reasonable and she cannot tolerate refuting it
No! How do I know what you are watching? In short, it is pornographic things. Don’t say that in the past, if you become a gangster in the future, will you still be worthy of me? I raise you so old to be a man?
Jingxin found a foothold in theory, and her momentum rose again. She moved closer to the door with a small step, turning her head halfway up.
I don’t think I want to change my gender when I look at these things. I just feel that these perverted thoughts can cover up the real restlessness in my heart. I... I don’t know what I want to cover up!
I grabbed her arms with both hands and shook them, and my voice shouted out almost hoarsely. From this moment on, I no longer had the mentality of being calm. I forgot my arrangements and just followed my heart to act
Jingxin's eyes looked straight at me, and I saw my violent reflection from her black eyes. Her beautiful eyebrows were half frowned, and she wanted to speak but stopped.
Mom, do you know something? I want to know what I want to cover up?
She swung her arms vigorously and patted me with her arms to hold her hands: I don’t know what you want to cover up. You are 14 years old and know how to think about many things. I can’t answer you even if you ask me like this. I…what are you doing?
Before Jingxin finished speaking, my emotions were a little out of control, as if I was no longer myself, tears burst out from my eyes. I lay my head in front of her chest through half of my body, and my hands were wrapped around her waist. The posture was very strange, just like I was about to lose something precious, I hugged her tightly, not daring to relax at all.
I don't know how I used to be, but after waking up for half a month, my mother and I lived a happy life. I don't want to quarrel with my mother. I want to go play with you, eat together, and relax together. Every day when you come back to eat the meal I cooked, check my homework, and watch TV together, I will feel very happy. I feel that such a life is what I dream of, but I don't know why I feel that I can't explain what it is. I just think that this kind of life can be more intimate, but I dare not, I can only settle for the second best. Watching these movies relieves the problem of forgetting that I have been thinking hard and can't get the answer.
Speaking of this, I can no longer tell whether I am acting or lying. These are all my thoughts. I really can't explain why I said that. According to the original plan, I shouldn't confess everything so quickly today, but I can't help it. I just want to hold her now.
Jingxin's chest was wet by my crying, and there was a clear trace of water on her clothes. She hugged me gently with her hands, patted my back with her hands, and pressed her face down against my head, and her tone became gentle: Mom plays and lives with you, Mom is with you every day
This is not the case. I feel that there is still a gap. I can't explain it clearly, but I can feel the alienation between me and my mother, the unspeakable sense of distance.
At this moment, I just want to vent my emotions. I don’t know what role this sentence is said. It is not only Ma Tian’s current self-report, but also as if I traveled more than ten years ago, telling her alienation and sense of distance from me through the distant time and space.
It's not like this. I'm not alienated to Xiaoma. It's my mother. I don't know how to face you. I'm also worried that some of my actions will lead to your unhappiness. Xiaoma may not know that my mother has been like this since she was a child. Many classmates used to say that I have a cold personality, but in fact, I really want to play with them. I'm always careful in the relationships around me. Is this kind of caution also wrong?
Jingxin threw out the answer I had never thought about before. It is true that everyone has a different personality. She gives others the feeling that she is so distant, but it doesn’t mean she really doesn’t like Ah?
I didn't say anything, she continued: Including knowing your father, I thought he was very good at first sight. Later, after contacting him, I thought he was funny and knowledgeable. I was interested in him, but I knew from my classmates that he felt that I was very distant from him, which gave him a sense of distance. I really wanted to break this deadlock, but I never dared to take this step...
As she said that, she touched my head and whispered: You and your dad are very similar...
I don't want to hear this kind of plot, so I raised my head and looked at her, interrupting her memories: Mom, the estrangement you said is not the same thing as what I said, that is the feeling you give me, and the feeling I feel, the two are a bit different from what I am.
Jingxin was confused by my words, her head tilted slightly, showing a puzzled look: I don't understand what you mean
It’s not the fault of my mother, but me, it’s because I feel that I feel a distance from my mother, just like I am already in your arms, but I still feel that I and you are not talking about everything.
But Xiaoma, you have to know that your son and mother do not say anything. When you grow up, you don’t want to know some things for your mother. It’s normal. This is the only way to grow up. You are no longer a primary school student who sticks to your mother and tells your mother all the secrets.
Jingxin patted my back and touched my head, as gentle as a puppy
I don't want to be like this, just like now, not only do I want to continue to hold you, but I also want to always be like this, or sleep together, I don't want to have a bed by myself, I want to be by my mother like a baby, I know this is a delusion and unrealistic, but I can't resist it and just think of Ah? I'm going crazy
I broke free from her arms and slowly retreated until I stepped back to the edge of the bed, sat on the bed, constantly pulling my hair, trying to stop my random thoughts
Seeing me as crazy, Jingxin resolutely ran over, knelt on the bed, and held me in her arms. I lay on her thighs. A burst of tears of depression that I couldn't help but gushed out again. It had nothing to do with plans or arrangements, but a pure uncontrollable catharsis.
I don't know what I want to do. After talking for so long, I still don't know what to do next. I know it's wrong to watch these videos, but if I don't watch these, I keep thinking about my distantness with my mother, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don't want to do this. The more I don't want to do this, the more I can only watch these videos. I don't know if I have forgotten something, which has caused a gap in my thinking. I can't make up for this gap. I can't figure out what I'm thinking. The notes I write every day are all for writing down the real thoughts and feelings of the day. I'm afraid that one day in the future, I will lose my memory again, and become a person who knows nothing about myself. I started after waking up half a month ago. The notes I wrote according to my own ideas and ideas. Even if I read them unfamiliarly, I can still form a rough self-image.
Speaking of this, I have calmed down. From my perspective, I am Jingxin Nanfeng, which is hard to see from the perspective of daily life: What kind of person I was in the past? I have derived from your mouth. I want to be my previous self, but I have no memory and found that I can't do it. I want to be a brand new self, but I lack a coherent memory and I am always confused in my heart.
I can't explain why I feel so subtle about my mother. I want to contact you, but I dare not contact you. Even if I am happy every day, I always feel that I have done something wrong. Everything in front of me is fake, it is just a false image formed because of my memory loss.
I tried to raise my hand to touch Jingxin's face. When there was still a fist away, I gave up and hung my hand down.
Jingxin saw me put down her hand powerlessly. She held my right hand with her little hand, and then pulled her to touch her face: It's okay, Xiaoma is not wrong, don't blame yourself, it's because my mother is too impulsive, young people are very suitable for their growth needs when watching pornography. The novel video you read at that time was...
What is it? After you say it to your mother, our false happiness for the past half month will disappear? We will return to my state before my amnesia. I don’t know what it is, but my premonition is that we will be even more alienated. I don’t want my mother to say it, but if you don’t say it, the bump in my heart has been itchy. I can’t calm down and face my mother, and I can’t face my true self.
At this time, I really hoped to get the answer from her. After all, I felt that although I was happy in the past half month, it was like a flower in the mirror and a moon in the water. It was not true
You were watching incest novels and videos at that time, just the kind of novels that had sex with your mother.
Jingxin made up her mind and finally told me the real reason for my amnesia
My whole heart seemed to stop beating, and a stream of blood surged into my mind. My eyes were wide open, and I was in a trembling state, as if I was blown by the cold wind at zero degrees, and my mouth was filled with breathing sounds.
A picture suddenly appeared in my mind. I was watching the incest novel with concentration. Jingxin sneaked into the door that was not closed. After seeing the novel I was reading, she started to curse, calling me crazy. I had been raising a piece of garbage for more than ten years. I remained silent and sat on the chair and was scolded by her. She pushed the chair away, deleted everything directly and put it in the recycling bin. She said a pervert and turned around and left.
How clear the scene is. For a moment, I couldn't tell whether it was my imagination or what happened before I lost my memory. I stroked her face and put it down naturally. She seemed to find that my condition was abnormal. She pinched me and asked: Xiaoma, what's wrong with you? Don't scare your mother?
The contrast between the mind and reality is so strong. I kept wandering between the two. The reprimand was sometimes like a memory, and sometimes like watching a movie from a third-party bystander. I couldn't make further analysis of the current situation, so I could only lobby myself not to think crazy. After all, no one can answer this kind of philosophical question.
Am I a pervert? I was silent for a long time, and finally bit my lower lip and said something like this
Xiao Ma is not a pervert. Later I read it online. Your name is Oedipus complex. The psychoanalytic school term in psychology. In fact, this is a very normal psychological behavior for humans. Especially in adolescents, after physical development, they will become very interested in the opposite sex. When the girls around them have not started to develop, the most obvious opposite sex is their mother or sister. When Yan Yan has already gone to Guangwen City, then you only have a mother. It is normal for you to Cute a yearning for the opposite sex.
Am I right, sorry for your business?
Uh... No, there is nothing, it's because my mother didn't know anything at that time. When she saw you reading these incest novels, she scolded you for being crazy, which made you unable to stand it and go out and hit your head
Jingxin's eyes became very soft, and she pressed my temples as if she was helping me wash my hair
This behavior is a bit weird, and I asked tentatively: Did you say that I had a piece of garbage at that time?
Suddenly, my temples were pressed tightly and painful: Did you remember?
No, when you just talked about those novels and videos, I felt my breathing stopped, and fragments flashed through my mind, that was you kicked off my chair and scolded me for having a piece of garbage
What do you remember? It was Jingxin's turn to lose her composure. Her eyes were a little flustered, and her tongue kept licking her lips.
I don't remember, I can't tell whether this really happened or the scene I imagined
I moved my head and stuck myself in the center of her legs
Sorry, mom... I took the initiative to express my fault. My memory does not mean that I have never seen those things. I think I may have missed an apology to my mother.
After a long quiet time, I breathed a sigh of relief and blew her hair a little up: It seemed that my thoughts became much clearer and more comfortable
I pretended that nothing had happened and started speaking in a normal tone
Face to face to face, I felt that my body was much more relaxed, but I didn't know if Jingxin would be indifferent to me when she woke up in the early days.
Unexpectedly, Jingxin also smiled: Xiaoma... It's okay, let's live a good life in the future, mom will accompany you
Jingxin's smile broke my last worry. Does her explanation mean that she has completely tolerated the presumptuous actions I have made before and will never build too strong mental defenses against me again.
I finally showed my first complete smile after waking up, which was a farewell to the past and a prospect for the future
My eyes rolled and said in the atmosphere that has become better now: When can my mother go with me in the Guangshan City script kill?
Jingxin's eyes also turned, and she gently tapped her chin with her fingers, pursed her lips and thought, and said lightly: This week, on the 31st, I'll think about it...
I'll go check the business tomorrow. If possible, just this week, so you won't be worried about it all the time
Jingxin touched my hair, she quietly combed my hair, murmured silently in her mouth, which I couldn't hear clearly, as if it was a nursery rhyme, or as if she was talking to herself.
Time flies very slowly and is very lazy. After ten minutes, Jingxin said: Xiaoma, don’t keep in mind what mom scolds you, and don’t look at those pornographic things. Now it’s time to grow up, so you must keep a good day.
She moved me back to bed: I'll go back first, what happened tonight is over.
After saying that, stand up and walk out
that……
What's wrong? Jingxin turned around, crossed her arms and hugged her chest. The clear water mark on her clothes had already shown the side of her bra
I'm sorry to get my mother's clothes wet
Silly child Jingxin looked down and patted her clothes with her hands a few times. She breathed a sigh of relief and then quietly closed the door.
I lay on the bed, constantly recalling what happened today. This development was beyond my expectations. Everything was heading out of the plan. I didn't know if it was a sudden flash of scenes. I looked a little confused. Sometimes I couldn't tell what reality is and what is false.
Fortunately, the progress bar is still rising. I will tell this matter as soon as possible, and there is a hidden danger, but there is another question. I am obviously a stranger who knows nothing about Ma Nan's past, and now I seem to be gradually recovering my memory. If this continues, who am I?
The traditional Chinese characteristics made me wake up in my sleep. I haven’t been worried about the three meals for more than ten years. When I remember that my wallet was only 30 yuan left, I stood up in the bed like a zombie.
Even though I cook at home all day, I don’t have the money to buy meat and vegetables. I spend my wife’s money and give her gifts, and end up being poor.
After washing my head, I returned to my room. I believe I still have money in the room, but I didn't find it yesterday. I looked at the bookshelf and found the Chinese-English dictionary with clear goals. Open the page and took out the 200 yuan from it. After receiving 200 yuan, I glanced at the books in the bookshelf and saw the thick collection of the Four Books and Five Classics. Open the title page, there were 3 100 pieces with a huge sum of 500 yuan. My heart became peaceful and fulfilling, and the world returned to my feet. It was just that these days I would go back to my lifestyle 10 years ago and paid in cash.
After eating a bowl of noodles cooked by Jingxin at home, I started doing my homework. I opened WeChat and found that Jingxinli told me that I wanted to eat cod today, and sent me a red envelope of 100 yuan.
Is this the default I have to book supper now?
I smiled slightly at the screen. This is actually good. I regained the feeling of being trusted.
It took two hours to do the homework today, and I am still walking on the verge of playing. Today I am writing the impression of an old movie, not as homework.
At the beginning, I really forgot the name of this movie, and I found it by searching through Qianbaidu based on my memory
"Born for Yourself" is a 15-year-old movie about a man who looks very similar to a woman. Xiao Guang suffers from gender disorders. With long hair, she will encounter gangsters when she goes to the streets. She finds that she is a man and beats her and leaves a pervert.
She tried her best to change her sex and become a woman, but she encountered opposition from her family.
Of course this is a normal reaction. I believe that no one out of 100 families will accept that their children will change their gender. Maybe more people will accept homosexuality, but they will not be much better.
When Xiaoguang's mother blamed herself for her education, I was not Lu Ming's father at that time, so I naturally had no feelings. Looking back now, if Lu Ming told me that she likes girls and wants to be a boy, I could barely accept the first one, but the second one, I would really doubt whether there was a problem with the education?
In the end, Xiaoguang in the play finally found the organization and found her unwavering belief. Her family finally agreed to her choice. She also set out to realize her dream with her efforts.
My summary of this movie is that as long as it is not a sinister way of committing an illegal or criminal act, firmly believe in your choice and follow the path you choose, gender is born, but your love is irrepressible and forced. Love is love, not love is not love, and there is no happiness. If you think your gender is wrong, should you live a life of difficulty or look at yourself bravely? Sometimes you can endure the calm moment and take a step back and lose your house. If you miss the choice, you may regret it for the rest of your life.
As for the Oedipus complex, I don’t dare to write a thought about this subject now. I have watched a Korean movie "Mobius" before, which describes the protagonist’s love for his mother. After meeting a grocery store girl who is exactly the same as her mother, she fell in love with her crazy and regarded her as a substitute for her mother. In fact, these two actors are the same person, and the details inside are very bloody. I dare not write this story in notes. This sexual hint is too obvious. Now I can’t touch Jingxin’s thoughts. Writing this rashly may arouse her disgust.
Thinking of this, I licked my lips with my tongue, and remembered the brief feeling of last night. I wonder what her mentality had last night kissed me?
Is it a physical reaction that I can’t help but or does my mother-son relationship knowingly commit?
I think I can't get the answer, at least there is no need to ask this question before confirming the relationship with her
After finding the download resource of "Born for Oneself" without changing its name, I put it on the desktop, so I went out to have a meal and buy vegetables
Today I need to reserve time for Jingxin to watch movies or find resources on my computer. I will not watch it on her, but I must leave enough time to leave home for a reason
The script was so frequent that I looked around my room. When I saw basketball, I remembered the basketball team that Guan Weihao mentioned when I first woke up. I chatted with Guan Weihao privately: I suddenly want to play basketball, and I will practice with me tonight?
I'm afraid I'll forget how to fight
Guan Weihao quickly replied to me and said: OK, at 7:30 tonight, I will send you a positioning for the basketball court in my village.
I am also very curious whether I can still play basketball. I am not interested in basketball because I am not interested in basketball, but Ma naturally should still be a good person. In terms of playing basketball, is it more physical or muscle memory?
There may be a result tonight
After going out for a fast food, I went to the supermarket to blow up the air conditioner. After wandering around for half a minute, I bought the cod that Hao Jingxin wanted to eat, and then took a few dishes to go home to cook.
I have seen some short videos recently, which are the differences between parents in the 708090s and their children. I don’t know why, when I woke up at first, I thought Jingxin was a standard image of a mother from the 1980s. However, after the past half month of contact, I felt that she gradually overlapped with her mother from the 1990s. I can’t tell the details, it was as if she was younger, and even more young than when I met her back then.
I don't know if she will sing rap?
The more I think about it, the more outrageous she becomes. If she continues to think about it, she becomes a person who can rap, skydiving, drive tanks and program
The cod I made today is very simple. I used to fry it occasionally at home, but at the end I looked at the sea salt and black pepper and had some difficulty choosing.
I used to give both, but when I saw the cod that was placed in front of me now, I felt that I shouldn’t put black pepper on it. This feeling was very strong, and I don’t know where it came from. Does fried cod without black pepper still have a soul?
In the end, I convinced myself not to do so, after all, it is okay to change the taste.
Today, Jingxin came back about ten minutes later than before. After she returned, she only cleaned it for a while before coming to have dinner. In her bank uniform, she unbuttoned the two buttons on the top, and her beautiful black stockings crossed her legs and swayed with slippers. I asked: Mom, I didn’t put black pepper when frying cod. Do you want to add some now?
She directly raised the loose cod meat and said: No, I will add sea salt when eating cod. Fortunately, you didn’t add black pepper to Xiaoma. I don’t hate it, but I don’t like it very much.
Mom, don’t you eat black pepper?
It's either Ah, but I don't eat it. I didn't give it black pepper when I fryed it before. You forget it... Oh... You really forgot it.
Jingxin said that this was no longer as lost as before.
But I was confused: Did I hesitate just now, or did I subconsciously remember that Jingxin couldn’t put black pepper on the cod, so I chose not to put it?
The former is fine, but it is just a coincidence. If it is the latter, does it mean that in addition to memory, I actually retain many of Ma Yan's subconscious actions, including my own self-contained plans?
It doesn't matter how much I think, so I lowered my head to eat. Jingxin thought I was worried about my memory again, so she gently stroked my hair with her little hands: It's okay, don't lose it.
I'm fine, I'm just eating, I'm pushing my head upwards, just like a cat begging to touch me, I'm just thinking that Guan Weihao asked me to play basketball, should I go?
It’s great to go to Ah, boys play more basketball. You haven’t exercised much in the past half month after you wake up. You can do your best. If you are uncomfortable, remember to stop immediately. Pay attention to protecting your head and don’t be too intense. I communicated with Dr. Wan about your situation. You have nothing to do now. You can play basketball, but if you don’t play enough, remember to admit defeat and don’t be impulsive...
Unexpectedly, I turned on Jingxin's Tang Monk mode with just one sentence, but it felt so good to be cared for by her.
Well, I'll go out after dinner. It may take a while. Mom, you're washing dishes. I'll put my homework on the table. If you want to check, check it. If you don't check it, forget it. Try to come back before 10 o'clock
I think she will check it out, my computer has always been in screensaver state, providing a good fuse for the outbreak tonight
Suddenly I felt shameless. I deliberately caused Huo Jingxin to test the bottom line when I woke up
But how can you break this boundary if you are not shameless?
I put on my sportswear and walked out of the house, setting off along Guan Weihao's positioning
It was a rich village. It turned out that Guan Weihao was a rich student who could earn several thousand or tens of thousands of yuan a month when he went to school. No wonder he seemed so casual in spending money.
The basketball court in their village is more beautiful than those in some communities, and there are iron nets around it. No one in the village should be unable to enter. When I arrived, Guan Weihao was already playing basketball with two other people there, and it seemed that he was one or two years older than us.
Guan Weihao said when he saw me: Uncle Da, you have finally refreshed normally.
The two of you who didn't know looked at me curiously, not understanding what the normal refresh meant by Guan Weihao's words
Guan Weihao threw the ball over with one hand, and the direction was my face. Jingxin's advice in front of the door appeared in my mind, don't slap in the face!
I quickly caught the ball with my hand and threw it back accurately: Don't slap Ah in the face, I still have amnesia, I'm afraid of concussion
Guan Weihao's face changed after hearing this and said: Sorry! I forgot about this. Brothers, Uncle Da had been in the yard for half a month. Don't be too conflicted today in the friendly match.
It turns out that the normal refresh you said is about Ah, did Uncle Da forget us? The tall man approached me and patted my shoulder
I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, as if I wanted to recall his name from my mind, and suddenly a name flashed by: Scallion rice?
Guan Weihao was stunned for a moment when he heard this and asked cautiously: Are your memories recovering?
Is it really called Xiaotang Rice? This noun does flash through my mind, but I don’t know what it means. Logically, this does not look like a person’s name. I just said it tentatively and made a mistake?
I am Guan Weimi, he is Guan Weicong. We are all older than you in the third year of junior high school. Ah Hao and Uncle Da have lost their memory? Didn't you tell us?
Guan Weihao patted his head and said: I really forgot that Uncle Da has lost his memory. After all, I have played scripts with him several times, and he is even better than me. How can I remember that he is an amnesia person
I gritted my teeth and thought about what was going on. Xiaotang Rice is not a name, but I correspond to the first two people above. Is Ma Natural's memory recovering?
Thinking back to what was wrong today, when I woke up and found that I had no money, I accurately found the money I had caught in the two books. This is probably unreasonable with my subconscious mind.
I was a little panicked. If this continues, who am I? I am still Huanjue. I was actually Ma Natural from beginning to end, but I have a memory of Huanjue for the time being.
So Jingxin was my mother from beginning to end, not a college classmate?
The anxiety in my heart made me want to rush home immediately, but reality does not allow it. I must leave enough time to complete my previous plan.
Seeing that I was silent, Guan Weihao said: Take your time, sit down first, Zhahui and someone from my village will come over later, and the show will be started. If you are uncomfortable, I can also call the people in my village to the top.
I nodded. Guan Weihao is indeed an elegant man. This kind of rich, funny, caring and athletic man will not waste being a Neptune.
Zhahui came to the stadium first. When he saw me, he walked over and sat next to me excitedly. He waved to Guan Weihao and said: Mr. Hao, I'll talk to Uncle Da first, you guys will play first.
Zhahui hit him with his hand and asked: How is the progress?
Didn't I post your pictures? I dare not speak loudly. Although it is far away, the topics of these taboos in public are very terrifying.
What happened after massage and kissing your mother? Zhahui smiled obscenely, looking forward to expressing her expression of explosive messages from me
Can you restrain your vulgar appearance? I have taught you carefully, so that others will know what pornographic things you are thinking at a glance. You must learn from me that you are not showing your emotions.
Do you think everyone is as beautiful as you? Zhahui cut it off, many people know about the three of you going to CS, be careful that there are gay men who are making you burst into your anus
My plan is to act gay. I revealed my plan to Zhahui in detail, and even said that I wrote a sexual note today
Wow! Your approach is very extreme. What if your mother agrees to come out? If she doesn’t help her, she will just quarrel with you. How could she think of having sex with you?
Zhahui's language is always so straightforward, and it also directly points out the unpredictability of this plan.
I made a ban gesture, and he spoke a little loudly. Guan Weihao was playing on the court, but he was guilty and didn't want anyone to hear even a slight message.
Didn’t I have a script killing plan later? I have been wearing women’s clothing to play script killing these days, and last time I went to the store with her in women’s clothing.
Tell me, I don't know about this
Zhahui patted my thighs. This kind of slutty action aroused my disgust. I moved his hand away and said: I went to play script killing the day before yesterday. I went with her in women's clothing. The one I played had a wedding, and it happened that I was cross-dressing the male character in the eyes of the store and got married to my mother.
Fuck! Exciting! There is still this way to play script killing? Unfortunately, my mother doesn't know how to play these
You've been doing it for so long, and you still need these ambiguous rituals? I couldn't help but complain
This is true. If we want to have a church, we can go directly to the church to wear clothes. Zhahui replied, suddenly patting his legs: This is a good idea
You really want this, right? If you are on the news, I will give up his mind quickly
It doesn't matter, you don't know that you have no memory. I don't have a dad. My mother said it was not long after I got married. When I was almost born, I took drugs and followed the underworld. Maybe I went to the Golden Triangle to get involved. I was quite conscience and didn't harm my family. However, my mother has no education and can only do some labor work. Later, I made a lot of money in the club, so I kept working. But now I'm a manager. I'm just willing to fuck me.
After saying that, he seemed to talk about something he didn't want to mention and spit out a saliva. My mother and I looked like a sibling relationship at most. I looked so mature. If someone I knew, it could be said that my father was not here. I took a wedding photo.
I looked at his face and it was indeed maturer than me and was rougher.
Don't talk about me anymore, continue on. Zhahui asked curiously again
That time she went to the script to kill, and she also questioned whether I chose this kind of book with the plot of the church, but I only found out that there was a meeting on the same day, and we were randomly selected. I didn't expect that I could still choose her and I. Fortunately, she had a good time that day. She was still talking about it while having a meal, and I said that there was a book with two days and one night in Guangshan City, and she seemed very interested.
You decided to go and play without hesitation? Zhahui asked with his eyes glowing
It's not that fast. If I bought the ticket immediately that day, it would be too anxious. The next day, my mother's birthday was looking for red envelopes at home and then exchanged for Guan Weihao's electronic wallet. I bought a ticket of 1288, which was a birthday gift for her. She was so excited that she wanted to hug me and kiss her face. Fortunately, my reflex arc was fast enough. She turned around and kissed her mouth to mouth. When she was stunned, my tongue reached in to tease her. When she didn't react, she kissed me a few times.
Good! So good! I thought it was interesting to hear you say. My mother is good at everything, but she guided it too fast and didn't have much sense of accomplishment. Ah Zhahui sighed
Don’t eat in the bowl and look in the pot. The strategy is low and it is boring. If the strategy is difficult, you will envy others and think it is cheating.
Zhahui touched his hair and laughed: This is true, anyway, I got what I want, but your strategy process really makes me envious of Ah
Is it another thing to say if it is OK? If the strategy fails, then this life will be over
Be cautious when you should be careful, make decision when you should be determined, defend when you should be defend, attack when you should be attacking, I believe you can do it, he slapped my shoulder with his palm, laughing
Uncle Zha Huida, someone is here, it’s time to start the game! Guan Weihao shouted on the court, it turned out that the village brothers he called were in place, and the official opening was possible
After we all arrived on the court, Guan Weihao said to the last boy: That, let me talk first. Uncle Da was hospitalized in the early days and had a little amnesia. I don’t know if I still remember playing basketball. I’ll give in to him later.
What's wrong? Uncle Da, have you lost your memory? Do you still remember me? Gorilla! A strong boy made a bodybuilder pose, revealing his developed muscles
I shook my head, I didn't really have any impression
It doesn't matter, let's act as a sparring coach. Guan Weicong said, throw the basketball to me
I naturally took it up and thought in my mind whether playing basketball would be like riding a bicycle. As long as I learn it, how long will I know the muscle movements?
After I signaled everyone, the exercise officially began. I found that I was very skilled in shooting in extraordinary places. Many times, I had already scored without reacting.
Guan Weihao pinched my neck with his arm and said: You haven't forgotten how to play basketball, but unfortunately it's the day after tomorrow. You didn't train with others this time, so you didn't have time to play.
I had no intention of participating in the competition and said: I haven't fully recovered yet. What should I do if someone knocked down the competition later?
Guan Weihao let go of my body: This is also true, I forgot again, come and continue, then treat it as helping me train
The atmosphere on the field was very warm, and I gradually found the feel. This familiar feeling must have come from Ma Yuan himself
It was almost two hours since we were already past 9 o'clock. We were all sweating profusely, sitting by the side of the court drinking water, preparing to end the game after rest
Uncle Da, it seems that you just lost your memory of our relationship, and your knowledge and physical fitness are not lost.
Guan Weihao sighed
Is this considered a conclusion to a scientific experiment of amnesia? Guan Weicong said, it turns out that amnesia just forgets the relationship with the characters, but still remembers daily affairs.
This is a single example, I can't do it correctly
Of course I have to deny it. After all, I am not really amnesia. Specifically, I am more like taking over the body. It’s just that the main owner is still alive and I don’t know how my soul is split into Ma Nan.
Uncle Da, you remember our flower name, maybe you still have a vague impression. Look at the basketball frame?
Guan Weimi pointed to the half-time playing ball just now and said
I looked at the basketball frame and closed my eyes. It seemed like a scene flashing like a movie scene. A basketball from the first perspective hit the rebound. The glass suddenly shattered and fell together with the ball frame. The ball frame just scattered directly on my head.
I don't know if the scene in my mind is real, I said hesitantly: There is a scene in my mind, where a basketball is thrown in the upper left corner of the rebound, and then the entire glass is broken, and the basketball frame is dropped, as if the ball frame is still smashed onto my head.
That's right! This is what Mr. Hao threw when we played basketball here last year. You were grabbing the rebound. Unexpectedly, the glass broke and the frame hit you directly on the head. Fortunately, you blocked it with your hands.
Zha Hui said excitedly, it seems that he will still have some memory.
I didn't make a sound when I heard this. They knew that I was recalling it, but there were storms in my heart.
How could I have Ma Nan's memory? Although it is like watching a movie, it turns out that this scene was something I experienced. But now I have become a bystander watching movie clips. Does this mean that Ma Nan's memory has always been in the depths of his mind, but it has been temporarily sealed, and will recover sooner or later one day.
So who will I become? What I thought I was Huan Jue in the past half month was actually fake. I was Ma Natural from beginning to end. Jingxin, a college classmate I always thought, was his son who was conquering his mother from beginning to end, both in body and soul?
My breathing became rapid. Guan Weihao noticed my abnormality and hurriedly held my shoulder and asked: Are you okay? Don’t think about it if you can’t remember. If you don’t feel well, I’ll take you home.
I waved my hand and declined his kindness. I temporarily put down the question that couldn't find the answer. After calming down my emotions, I said to them: I'm fine. At that moment, I really wanted to find my memory, so I was a little nervous. It seems that I suddenly had an illness, which scared you.
Is it really okay? Guan Weihao and Zhahui asked
After my affirmative reply, they asked me to walk for about ten steps before they could feel at ease to let me go home by myself. Zhahui and I walked along the way and accompanied me for a short distance. Before saying goodbye, they told me to go home and go back to WeChat.
I nodded. After all, I was not really a sudden illness, I just had a little difficulty accepting my current state
I returned home in a heavy mood and saw that my room was still on, so I knew that Jingxin was still in my room. For a moment, I didn't know what attitude to face her
I changed my shoes and sent everyone a WeChat message to ensure safety. Then I took a deep breath and came to the door of the room. I saw that she was actually watching "Born for Oneself" downloaded by me. I had almost finished watching it. After seeing me, she didn't react much and signaled me to take a shower first.
I know maybe another snowstorm is coming. I have prepared for this matter in advance, but I was a little discouraged when I was playing basketball just now. Now I want to make a mess.
After taking a shower, I sat quietly on the bed behind her. At this time, she had already watched that movie. She crossed her legs and looked at the empty computer desktop with her back to me. I knew she must have something to say.
Do you know what pseudo-woman and gay are? After a long time of quietness, Jingxin turned around and finally asked in front of me.
I know, of course I know, she has seen the video I downloaded, she should use this entry point to talk to me
Is this movie you downloaded considered a pseudo-woman and a gay man?
I turned my head and looked at her eyes. I found that she didn't seem to be too intense. I pinched the bed sheet with my fingers and shook my head boldly and said: This should not count. After all, the sissy is dressed as a feminine and does not have a strong desire to change gender in my heart. The gay man is two men in love. In this movie, I think she is not a sissy man from the heart, and from the appearance, she is not a gay man from the heart.
Then why do I think this person has not yet undergone gender conversion? He is actually a pseudo-woman who is essentially a man. If he likes a man, isn't that homosexual?
Jingxin ignored my fallacies and explained her views
Of course, I also think my point of view is untenable, and I lowered my head and remained silent.
Did you do it on purpose? Jingxin kicked my calves with her feet. Logically, I should have enjoyed it at this time, but now I feel a chill, not blown out by the air conditioner.
Are you testing my bottom line? Seeing that I didn't say anything, she continued to ask
I did write my review after watching this movie, I have no other ideas
You are going to wear women's clothing in front of me four times, download this movie, and write this note to explain your point of view. Are you trying to get me to accept your quirk?
Jingxin's tone began to rise a little, and the anger value increased significantly
I don't, I really just think that the view I should have after watching the movie is like this, just like what I wrote, love is love, not love is not love, and I have no happiness after reading it, so I think I should write this way. I can't think that this is not good, and distort my ideas against my will to write opinions that I don't agree with.
Speaking of this, I was a little passionate. In fact, I really think so. I don’t dare to write my own opinions on notes. So I hide everything in my heart, so why do I write?
This is the reason why you download those fake womb-sexy sex movies and add boys to small movies? I didn’t expect that Jingxin exposed the movie I downloaded today
You peek at my computer! I have to pretend to be angry, why do you peek at my computer? Who gives you the right!
I am your mother, I bought all your computers, why can't I look at your computer? Jingxin stood up and roared, her chest thrust excitedly together.
I... I'm mine when you buy it for me. What I download depends on you? Do you know what privacy is?
I pretended to go to the living room to calm down. When I was about to rush out, Jingxin quickly slapped the door with one step. The door made a loud bang, and you could hear it on the ten or eight floors downstairs.
What do you mean? I glared in her eyes. Can't I see you?
I don't want you to rush out and hit your head like last time. How long has it been last time? What should I do if you hit it again and become a vegetative person? Jingxin leaned directly on the door and refused to move a step.
Last time you said I was reading pornographic novels, and I rushed to my head in shame and anger. Did you also read these contents? You dare not tell me!
This... I asked Jingxin, I didn’t know how to answer, was the answer yes or not?
You answer Ah! I supported my hands on both sides of her head, facing her whole body, and with my eyes facing each other, I saw a hint of shame in her eyes.
Yes! Her answer was beyond my expectations, and I thought she would answer no
Not like! I spitted at her mouth. Now I should look disgusting when the blue veins are exposed. I even see Jingxin dare not look directly at my face.
What's wrong? She hung down, held the door panel, stretched her legs forward half a step, and looked half a head lower than before, and she became even weaker in momentum
If you discovered this last time, I really watched these things and found out, you wouldn’t be like this when you went to the comic exhibition COS and scripts to kill women’s clothing in the past half month. I still missed women’s clothing after losing my memory. How could you still play scripts with me?
My statement is reasonable and she cannot tolerate refuting it
No! How do I know what you are watching? In short, it is pornographic things. Don’t say that in the past, if you become a gangster in the future, will you still be worthy of me? I raise you so old to be a man?
Jingxin found a foothold in theory, and her momentum rose again. She moved closer to the door with a small step, turning her head halfway up.
I don’t think I want to change my gender when I look at these things. I just feel that these perverted thoughts can cover up the real restlessness in my heart. I... I don’t know what I want to cover up!
I grabbed her arms with both hands and shook them, and my voice shouted out almost hoarsely. From this moment on, I no longer had the mentality of being calm. I forgot my arrangements and just followed my heart to act
Jingxin's eyes looked straight at me, and I saw my violent reflection from her black eyes. Her beautiful eyebrows were half frowned, and she wanted to speak but stopped.
Mom, do you know something? I want to know what I want to cover up?
She swung her arms vigorously and patted me with her arms to hold her hands: I don’t know what you want to cover up. You are 14 years old and know how to think about many things. I can’t answer you even if you ask me like this. I…what are you doing?
Before Jingxin finished speaking, my emotions were a little out of control, as if I was no longer myself, tears burst out from my eyes. I lay my head in front of her chest through half of my body, and my hands were wrapped around her waist. The posture was very strange, just like I was about to lose something precious, I hugged her tightly, not daring to relax at all.
I don't know how I used to be, but after waking up for half a month, my mother and I lived a happy life. I don't want to quarrel with my mother. I want to go play with you, eat together, and relax together. Every day when you come back to eat the meal I cooked, check my homework, and watch TV together, I will feel very happy. I feel that such a life is what I dream of, but I don't know why I feel that I can't explain what it is. I just think that this kind of life can be more intimate, but I dare not, I can only settle for the second best. Watching these movies relieves the problem of forgetting that I have been thinking hard and can't get the answer.
Speaking of this, I can no longer tell whether I am acting or lying. These are all my thoughts. I really can't explain why I said that. According to the original plan, I shouldn't confess everything so quickly today, but I can't help it. I just want to hold her now.
Jingxin's chest was wet by my crying, and there was a clear trace of water on her clothes. She hugged me gently with her hands, patted my back with her hands, and pressed her face down against my head, and her tone became gentle: Mom plays and lives with you, Mom is with you every day
This is not the case. I feel that there is still a gap. I can't explain it clearly, but I can feel the alienation between me and my mother, the unspeakable sense of distance.
At this moment, I just want to vent my emotions. I don’t know what role this sentence is said. It is not only Ma Tian’s current self-report, but also as if I traveled more than ten years ago, telling her alienation and sense of distance from me through the distant time and space.
It's not like this. I'm not alienated to Xiaoma. It's my mother. I don't know how to face you. I'm also worried that some of my actions will lead to your unhappiness. Xiaoma may not know that my mother has been like this since she was a child. Many classmates used to say that I have a cold personality, but in fact, I really want to play with them. I'm always careful in the relationships around me. Is this kind of caution also wrong?
Jingxin threw out the answer I had never thought about before. It is true that everyone has a different personality. She gives others the feeling that she is so distant, but it doesn’t mean she really doesn’t like Ah?
I didn't say anything, she continued: Including knowing your father, I thought he was very good at first sight. Later, after contacting him, I thought he was funny and knowledgeable. I was interested in him, but I knew from my classmates that he felt that I was very distant from him, which gave him a sense of distance. I really wanted to break this deadlock, but I never dared to take this step...
As she said that, she touched my head and whispered: You and your dad are very similar...
I don't want to hear this kind of plot, so I raised my head and looked at her, interrupting her memories: Mom, the estrangement you said is not the same thing as what I said, that is the feeling you give me, and the feeling I feel, the two are a bit different from what I am.
Jingxin was confused by my words, her head tilted slightly, showing a puzzled look: I don't understand what you mean
It’s not the fault of my mother, but me, it’s because I feel that I feel a distance from my mother, just like I am already in your arms, but I still feel that I and you are not talking about everything.
But Xiaoma, you have to know that your son and mother do not say anything. When you grow up, you don’t want to know some things for your mother. It’s normal. This is the only way to grow up. You are no longer a primary school student who sticks to your mother and tells your mother all the secrets.
Jingxin patted my back and touched my head, as gentle as a puppy
I don't want to be like this, just like now, not only do I want to continue to hold you, but I also want to always be like this, or sleep together, I don't want to have a bed by myself, I want to be by my mother like a baby, I know this is a delusion and unrealistic, but I can't resist it and just think of Ah? I'm going crazy
I broke free from her arms and slowly retreated until I stepped back to the edge of the bed, sat on the bed, constantly pulling my hair, trying to stop my random thoughts
Seeing me as crazy, Jingxin resolutely ran over, knelt on the bed, and held me in her arms. I lay on her thighs. A burst of tears of depression that I couldn't help but gushed out again. It had nothing to do with plans or arrangements, but a pure uncontrollable catharsis.
I don't know what I want to do. After talking for so long, I still don't know what to do next. I know it's wrong to watch these videos, but if I don't watch these, I keep thinking about my distantness with my mother, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don't want to do this. The more I don't want to do this, the more I can only watch these videos. I don't know if I have forgotten something, which has caused a gap in my thinking. I can't make up for this gap. I can't figure out what I'm thinking. The notes I write every day are all for writing down the real thoughts and feelings of the day. I'm afraid that one day in the future, I will lose my memory again, and become a person who knows nothing about myself. I started after waking up half a month ago. The notes I wrote according to my own ideas and ideas. Even if I read them unfamiliarly, I can still form a rough self-image.
Speaking of this, I have calmed down. From my perspective, I am Jingxin Nanfeng, which is hard to see from the perspective of daily life: What kind of person I was in the past? I have derived from your mouth. I want to be my previous self, but I have no memory and found that I can't do it. I want to be a brand new self, but I lack a coherent memory and I am always confused in my heart.
I can't explain why I feel so subtle about my mother. I want to contact you, but I dare not contact you. Even if I am happy every day, I always feel that I have done something wrong. Everything in front of me is fake, it is just a false image formed because of my memory loss.
I tried to raise my hand to touch Jingxin's face. When there was still a fist away, I gave up and hung my hand down.
Jingxin saw me put down her hand powerlessly. She held my right hand with her little hand, and then pulled her to touch her face: It's okay, Xiaoma is not wrong, don't blame yourself, it's because my mother is too impulsive, young people are very suitable for their growth needs when watching pornography. The novel video you read at that time was...
What is it? After you say it to your mother, our false happiness for the past half month will disappear? We will return to my state before my amnesia. I don’t know what it is, but my premonition is that we will be even more alienated. I don’t want my mother to say it, but if you don’t say it, the bump in my heart has been itchy. I can’t calm down and face my mother, and I can’t face my true self.
At this time, I really hoped to get the answer from her. After all, I felt that although I was happy in the past half month, it was like a flower in the mirror and a moon in the water. It was not true
You were watching incest novels and videos at that time, just the kind of novels that had sex with your mother.
Jingxin made up her mind and finally told me the real reason for my amnesia
My whole heart seemed to stop beating, and a stream of blood surged into my mind. My eyes were wide open, and I was in a trembling state, as if I was blown by the cold wind at zero degrees, and my mouth was filled with breathing sounds.
A picture suddenly appeared in my mind. I was watching the incest novel with concentration. Jingxin sneaked into the door that was not closed. After seeing the novel I was reading, she started to curse, calling me crazy. I had been raising a piece of garbage for more than ten years. I remained silent and sat on the chair and was scolded by her. She pushed the chair away, deleted everything directly and put it in the recycling bin. She said a pervert and turned around and left.
How clear the scene is. For a moment, I couldn't tell whether it was my imagination or what happened before I lost my memory. I stroked her face and put it down naturally. She seemed to find that my condition was abnormal. She pinched me and asked: Xiaoma, what's wrong with you? Don't scare your mother?
The contrast between the mind and reality is so strong. I kept wandering between the two. The reprimand was sometimes like a memory, and sometimes like watching a movie from a third-party bystander. I couldn't make further analysis of the current situation, so I could only lobby myself not to think crazy. After all, no one can answer this kind of philosophical question.
Am I a pervert? I was silent for a long time, and finally bit my lower lip and said something like this
Xiao Ma is not a pervert. Later I read it online. Your name is Oedipus complex. The psychoanalytic school term in psychology. In fact, this is a very normal psychological behavior for humans. Especially in adolescents, after physical development, they will become very interested in the opposite sex. When the girls around them have not started to develop, the most obvious opposite sex is their mother or sister. When Yan Yan has already gone to Guangwen City, then you only have a mother. It is normal for you to Cute a yearning for the opposite sex.
Am I right, sorry for your business?
Uh... No, there is nothing, it's because my mother didn't know anything at that time. When she saw you reading these incest novels, she scolded you for being crazy, which made you unable to stand it and go out and hit your head
Jingxin's eyes became very soft, and she pressed my temples as if she was helping me wash my hair
This behavior is a bit weird, and I asked tentatively: Did you say that I had a piece of garbage at that time?
Suddenly, my temples were pressed tightly and painful: Did you remember?
No, when you just talked about those novels and videos, I felt my breathing stopped, and fragments flashed through my mind, that was you kicked off my chair and scolded me for having a piece of garbage
What do you remember? It was Jingxin's turn to lose her composure. Her eyes were a little flustered, and her tongue kept licking her lips.
I don't remember, I can't tell whether this really happened or the scene I imagined
I moved my head and stuck myself in the center of her legs
Sorry, mom... I took the initiative to express my fault. My memory does not mean that I have never seen those things. I think I may have missed an apology to my mother.
After a long quiet time, I breathed a sigh of relief and blew her hair a little up: It seemed that my thoughts became much clearer and more comfortable
I pretended that nothing had happened and started speaking in a normal tone
Face to face to face, I felt that my body was much more relaxed, but I didn't know if Jingxin would be indifferent to me when she woke up in the early days.
Unexpectedly, Jingxin also smiled: Xiaoma... It's okay, let's live a good life in the future, mom will accompany you
Jingxin's smile broke my last worry. Does her explanation mean that she has completely tolerated the presumptuous actions I have made before and will never build too strong mental defenses against me again.
I finally showed my first complete smile after waking up, which was a farewell to the past and a prospect for the future
My eyes rolled and said in the atmosphere that has become better now: When can my mother go with me in the Guangshan City script kill?
Jingxin's eyes also turned, and she gently tapped her chin with her fingers, pursed her lips and thought, and said lightly: This week, on the 31st, I'll think about it...
I'll go check the business tomorrow. If possible, just this week, so you won't be worried about it all the time
Jingxin touched my hair, she quietly combed my hair, murmured silently in her mouth, which I couldn't hear clearly, as if it was a nursery rhyme, or as if she was talking to herself.
Time flies very slowly and is very lazy. After ten minutes, Jingxin said: Xiaoma, don’t keep in mind what mom scolds you, and don’t look at those pornographic things. Now it’s time to grow up, so you must keep a good day.
She moved me back to bed: I'll go back first, what happened tonight is over.
After saying that, stand up and walk out
that……
What's wrong? Jingxin turned around, crossed her arms and hugged her chest. The clear water mark on her clothes had already shown the side of her bra
I'm sorry to get my mother's clothes wet
Silly child Jingxin looked down and patted her clothes with her hands a few times. She breathed a sigh of relief and then quietly closed the door.
I lay on the bed, constantly recalling what happened today. This development was beyond my expectations. Everything was heading out of the plan. I didn't know if it was a sudden flash of scenes. I looked a little confused. Sometimes I couldn't tell what reality is and what is false.
Fortunately, the progress bar is still rising. I will tell this matter as soon as possible, and there is a hidden danger, but there is another question. I am obviously a stranger who knows nothing about Ma Nan's past, and now I seem to be gradually recovering my memory. If this continues, who am I?
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