Chapter 3

It's all my fault

It's all my fault

It was me who made her heart into a broken shoe, it was me who didn’t protect her well, it was me who couldn’t get justice for her

I have never experienced such a big change. I thought I was a strong, calm and brave man, but at that time, I realized that I was far less outstanding than I thought I was.

My mind was in chaos, I didn't know what to do

I regret and blame myself, and I can't calmly think about how to deal with it

But the problem is that after that I have recalled countless times, until now, I have never thought that there would be any way to truly seek justice for my heart without paying a price that my family cannot bear

If it is now, or you can try to break this incident on the Internet to be noticed, there is still a little possibility of doing so, which can form public opinion and allow those bastards who hurt their hearts to get a fair judgment

But even so, I probably have to put in all my energy and time, and I can't take the college entrance examination

In other words, the lowest price also requires my family and I to give up the future

I'm not unwilling

I'm willing

I'm willing to do whatever I do for my heart

To this day, I can say without hesitation that even if I have to exchange my life for my heart, I am willing to

I am willing to exchange everything about me for my peace and happiness

I'm willing

I just understand one thing, in this world, after families like ours are harmed, even if they are lucky enough to get justice, they will have to pay a completely unequal price.

So now I understand my father and grandma. They seem to have a choice, but in fact they have no choice

So at that time I was just crying, but what's the use of crying?

My tears, our family's tears are so unremarkable

Even the tears that have been witnessed by the two most famous walls in the world are not worth mentioning

Meng Jiangnu cried down the Great Wall, but the Great Wall still lasted until now

The Wailing Wall of Jerusalem has listened to the Jews' cry for thousands of years, but to this day, the Jews still cry with them.

Reality never changes anything because you cry or don't cry

So, after crying, Xin'er still picked up the pen

Xin'er, don't sign Ah Don't sign I whimpered in pain, trying to rush up to stop her, but my father was pulled hard

I could only watch Xin'er signing on the black and white paper, and watch her pressing her handprint

Watching her hand over her life like this

After doing all this, Xin'er's expression was a little dazed, her pale cheeks and dull eyes made me unable to look directly

As soon as my father left the room with those pieces of paper, I jumped onto the bed and hugged her body, which was still trembling violently.

I didn't even know how to comfort her, because all the words were pale and powerless in the face of all this that she had encountered

I could only hold her, call her name, and say sorry desperately

I don't know how long it took, but Xin'er suddenly whispered in my arms: Brother, you did nothing wrong

I choked up and hugged her tightly and replied: Yes, it was me who took you, you...

Xin'er also stretched out her arms to hug my waist tightly, and said in a low voice: Brother, that's what I want, I am willing to give to my brother.

I don't know what to say, so I can only hold my slender and soft body in my arms with all my strength

After a while, I heard footsteps leaving the main hall and heard the car moving away from my doorstep.

I had to let go. As soon as I let go, my father and grandma walked in with me.

My father wiped tears with one hand and held the stacks of banknotes tightly in his other hand. I have never tasted the suffering of the world. I don’t know that it was probably the money he earned after working hard for five years, and he had to get it without being deducted, deceived and arrears.

Grandma showed a hurried affection for Xin'er for the first time, and walked to the bed with a trembling face. She grinned her teethless mouth while walking. Tears flowed across the wrinkles on her face, saying in pain: Daughter, there is no way, no way... Your father and I are sorry for you... There is no way... Don't blame us... You were born in our family... It is your life, it is your life... She walked to the bed and stretched out her dry hand for the first time to touch Xin'er, but when she was lifted halfway, she suddenly coughed like a spasm, coughing, and her old and thin body fell down like a dead branch blown by the wind.

Although I have always been bad for Xin'er, I am my granddaughter after all

Grandma at that time was also very painful

Mom! Grandma? We shouted together, looking at grandma who was bleeding from her mouth, and could only put my heart aside in advance

We sent my grandma to the county hospital for the first time, and it was the last time we

I can only comfort my heart, put the matter of accompanying her aside, and go to the hospital to take care of my grandmother first

Grandma stayed in the hospital for three days. The first thing she did after she woke up was to force herself to go home.

We couldn't resist her because she said: I can't live... How much does it cost per day... That girl Xin'er can't compensate me, the old man... If I don't go back, I'll hang myself in the hospital...

My father and I had to take her home, and then I went through the most chaotic and busy period of my life.

Xin'er couldn't go to school anymore, so I accompanied my father to complete the temporary leave for her

Then, I was admitted to the Public Security University for various affairs

I don't go to the school where I don't arrange for me. When I received a notice asking me to go through various procedures, I said to my father angrily.

In just a short period of time, my father suddenly grew older

After hearing my rejection, he squatted at the door, his voice as if he had no soul: Binzi, I know you are not feeling well, but we really can't fight them. You can't stop going to school. I don't work, and I go to sue on hungry... Now we have signed the letters and collected the money. Do you go or not? You are like that? You haven't been to school these days, and you can't rest assured when you go back? You said yourself, can you take the exam?

What my father said is the truth

After this critical accident before the college entrance examination, I undoubtedly don’t have to count on my college entrance examination.

Even if you are successful in getting into college, you can't compare to the police university... Binzi, my son Ah, our Yang family is always bullied. If you become a policeman and eat the country, your descendants will not be bullied again... You will get married, have babies, have daughters, and will not be bullied like your sister... Binzi, listen to my father, dad, this is what he has been like in this life, just want to see you live a better life...

Every word my father spits out of his mouth seems to stab me in the heart, and it is full of holes

But I know that if I accept it, it means that I have acquiesced our compromise, which means that I have accepted reality, which means that I have given up the right to seek justice.

So I still hardened my neck and replied: What if I don’t go, even if I can’t go to college, so what if I don’t go to college.

My father seemed to begging me: Son Ah, you also want to be as hard as your father for the rest of your life, and be bullied for the rest of your life...

Just when my father and son were arguing, Xin'er appeared at the door with a bucket

Grandma is still ill in bed, so the housework falls on Xin'er

She had just returned from washing clothes, and I clearly heard the yelling of several naughty boys outside the door: Broken shoes, bitch...

But Xin'er acted very calm, as if she hadn't heard those words like a knife. She even smiled at me: Brother, how can you do not go to college?

I looked at her in surprise

My heart looked at me calmly and gently, and the bright and clear eyes that I saw for the last time was bright and clear.

She smiled and said: Brother, when you graduate from college and become a policeman, you can always protect me and prevent me from being bullied by others

How could I refuse such a request?

My lips trembled, and finally lowered my head, making the decision I was most reluctant to make in my life: I'll go

Saying this sentence exhausted all my strength and courage. After saying it, I didn't dare to look at my heart again for a long time.

I feel as shameless as those who bully her, I feel that I am the murderer who hurt her

Yes, Dad was relieved

Xin'er glanced at me, then lowered her head and carried the bucket into the inner room

I have a lot to say to her, I want to be alone with her for a while, I want to tell her how much I love her, and I want to tell her that I will definitely fulfill our agreement

But my father never went out at home because of this incident, because of grandma's illness, and because I am about to graduate from high school.

He seemed to deliberately not give us the opportunity to be alone, so that I could never say anything private to Xin'er again

So, after that, I didn't even hold my heart's hand again

Until my father sent me away from my hometown and towards the city, we could only keep a distance

We can only face our own destiny and compromise with it

But even the strongest girl may not be able to bear it after encountering the experiences that Xin'er has encountered, I'm afraid no one can bear it

After that, I never saw Xin'er laughing again

She always curled up silently in the corner, trembling from time to time

The pretty cheeks always shine with a pale pale that makes my heart feel like a knife, and the eyes in the beautiful eyes are becoming more and more dull and confused.

I was busy graduating from high school and being admitted to the Public Security University. I rarely went home. I even went to the city, the provincial capital and even once in Beijing. I spent very little time at home and had no chance to accompany her and comfort her.

The biggest injustice in the world is probably that some people can decide the fate of another group of people as they wish.

Although this time it's a favorable change

Now I work in the public security organs and have been exposed to countless darkness and injustice, so when I think of the past, I can't help but feel cold on my back.

If my family had really tried every effort to seek justice for Xin'er, the final result would have been completely buried in the dark like some cases I had come into contact with.

Just as they could easily send me to the Public Security University, they could easily let us disappear from the world, even die on the streets, and then close the case by accident

At that time, I would not think so much. I endured humiliation and anger and accepted this future. I only thought about protecting my heart forever in the future, not letting her be bullied again, allowing her to live a better life, fulfill our agreement, and be with her forever.

I successfully entered school and became a quasi-police

Compared with ordinary universities, police academies are much stricter and harder

It was not until the winter holiday that I finally had the opportunity to go home and see my heart

I left home for the first time in my life, I had already put on a police uniform, carried a simple luggage, and hurriedly stepped across the path in the wilderness of my hometown.

The construction site can be seen in the distance covered with snow, and when I approached the entrance of the village, I found that many houses in the village had been demolished

At that time, the whole country was building construction and building highways and high-speed railways.

One of them will pass through our hometown. It is not my hometown. I have no hometown.

The villagers received their own compensation and began to move out of the village one after another, go to the town, go to the county town or go to a wider world.

Only my house is rented

We can only watch other people's anger or carnival on the side, as if the disappearance of this village has nothing to do with us

At that time, I realized that I had no hometown

But I don't care that much

As long as you have the heart, it's good

Wherever my heart is, where is my hometown

I speed up my pace and return to the entrance of the village where I was already a little unfamiliar.

I was expectant and gentle in my heart, but from afar, I saw a few children at the entrance of the village who had been on the winter vacation, surrounding a woman sitting on a big stone in the snow on the roadside, shouting:

Bitch, spit at her and smash her with snow

I immediately realized who it was. My heart seemed to be plucked by a knife. My eyes suddenly became hot, and then I roared and rushed over.

Because I was wearing police uniforms, the naughty boys scattered like birds and beasts

I couldn't care about so much anymore, rushed over and hugged my heart tightly, touched her ice-like hand in pain, touched her cold face and forehead, which was red from the cold.

But Xin'er seemed to have no response to my return, sitting on the stone like a piece of snow, singing tremblingly:

Good brother, save me, fox grabbed me, run across the hill, good brother, save me, jackal caught me, run back to its nest...

My tears flowed down, and I hugged my heart and said in tears: Good sister, what are you doing, why are you sitting here? Leng Ah, I'm leaving so cold, I'm back, let's go back. After that, I wanted to hold her and stand up.

But Xin'er struggled desperately and shouted: No, no, I want to wait for my brother, my brother is a college student, the most amazing brother, brother, her scream made me feel as cold as if I was naked and was poured by snow water. My teeth clattered, and I looked at her in fear, and finally shouted in disbelief: Xin'er, I am your brother, Ah, Brother Ah, What's wrong with you?

Only then did I realize that Xin'er's clear eyes had no focus. She was looking at the snow-covered field and said in a daze: My brother is a college student, the most amazing thing, and then sang loudly: Good brother, save me quickly...

I cried heartbrokenly

But no matter how I shouted, cried, hugged her, or even kissed her desperately, she didn't respond to me

She no longer recognizes me

I cried bitterly, half-held and half-held, and returned to my doorstep, but found that my shabby luggage was piled up in the main hall.

Grandma's cough echoed in the empty room, making it even more chilling

My father was packing two tilted wooden stools. After seeing me, a hint of joy finally appeared on his old and sad cheeks. He shouted in a muffled voice: Come back, Lao Gao has signed a compensation agreement, got the money, and asked us to move away. I am afraid that you will not be able to find it when you come back. I beg him to give him a few days to give him a grace. I will just wait for you to get home and we will leave.

I cried and hugged Xin'er and sobbed: Dad, what's wrong with Xin'er

My father looked at the heart of the good brother, and lowered his head and sighed: Not long after you went to college, she gradually had a bad mind and didn't see it. She was going to the village entrance to wait for you every day. I looked at it all the time. I was going to move these two days. I didn't watch her okay, and she wouldn't run around. Even if I waited for you at the village entrance, I couldn't even drag it away.

I know why, what she has experienced

Raped, slandered and prostitution, ridiculed and scolded, called broken shoes and bitch

Even Aunt Mingxiu would cry when my grandmother scolded her, let alone her heart

The stronger a person is, the more serious the consequences of collapse

My father was still talking: I was always stabbed here... I should be fine if I live in the town...

I can only hope this is

At this time, my grandmother held a small stool, coughed, and walked out of the hall with difficulty and slowly struggling and slowly

After seeing me, my turbid eyes suddenly shone brightly: Binzi, Binzi... Cough cough... Become a policeman Ah... Cough cough cough... Come and see grandma... Uh cough

I had to let go, wiped my tears and walked over, muttering: Grandma, I haven't been in school yet

Grandma seemed a little confused, and she stretched out her hand to rub me in a daze, smiling as bright as spring flowers: Cough cough cough... We Binzi is a policeman... Whoever bullies my granddaughter anymore... I will arrest him... Cough cough, our Yang family also has a policeman, feed me to go to the grave to burn incense for the Imperial College father...

Mom! It's snowing, you coughed so hard again. After moving the house, follow me to the county to see. My father frowned and said in a deep voice.

Grandma patted her thigh and cursed: You prodigal son, what do you think? I am so old, and if you die, you will die. Can we just enter the hospital at will? If you have that money, why don’t you take the girl to see her brain? I really don’t know what your surname is...

My father was silent and dared not speak

I don't know what to say

After a while, my father sighed: Binzi, you are back so far away. Thank you for your hard work. Let's move to the town and have dinner. You will come back today. I promised them to move today. In the afternoon, they will come to collect the house and I will ask you, Uncle Dafu to drive.

Of course I won't have any questions. I agreed and started to help my father pack up his luggage.

An hour later, I sat in the truck of a farm tricycle, holding my heart that had been singing, leaning on my luggage, watching the village stay away from me.

Everything that was once familiar gradually faded away, and finally blurred in the endless snowy field, as if buried in the snow

Since then, all my wonderful memories of my childhood and youth, about my heart and I have disappeared.

We moved to a very dilapidated old house rented by my father in town. The walls had many holes, airtight on all sides, and the roof was cracked and seeped with melted snow water

But we have no choice, because my father said: "Ah Binzi's father is useless. I can't afford to earn my own house in my life. I asked many people, but I refused to rent it to us... I was afraid that people would be unlucky, and I also dislike your sister for being confused and having no choice. In the future, I hope you can work and buy a house by yourself. I won't be driven by others like my father now...

I can only accept all this in silence

But after moving my luggage into a broken house, I discovered a serious problem: Dad, how can we live there?

My father's reaction was a little strange. He didn't look at me, but seemed to be guilty. His eyes flashed and looked out the window and replied: Your grandma lives in a small house, I'm working on the floor in the main hall, you and your sister live in the same room.

But I saw that room and only had one bed

I was surprised and panicked

What this arrangement means is more obvious

My father wants me to sleep with my sister

Why did he do this?

Does he know anything?

Do you know something happened to Xin'er and me that shouldn't have happened to me?

But my father was reluctantly looking for excuses for me: Binzi, your sister always clamors to find you... I was thinking about it if you were with her, would she be fine if she could not see you? She was crazy. Now that you are back, I will accompany her as well as before...

I finally understand

There is no doubt that my father already knew everything

Thinking about it now, my father probably knew it from the beginning

When he found out that Xin'er was not a virgin during the hospital examination, he probably thought that it was me who did it.

He chose to compromise, and it is very likely that the main reason was to protect me

Although I did something shameful with Xin'er, in the eyes of my father at that time, there was probably nothing more important than being able to cure Xin'er.

Even if I ask Xin'er to do something that shouldn't be done by my brother and sister, he will accept it

I don't know what to say for a moment

But no matter what, my father didn't say it clearly

We tacitly reached an agreement, and that night, I slept with Xin'er again

Although I don't know me, Xin'er can obviously feel my kindness

Since I came back, she has been by my side obediently and has not run around

That night, I hugged Xin'er's warm and soft body again in the quilt. When I listened to the howling wind, Xin'er curled up in my arms very obediently, burying her little face in my chest as before.

It just makes me anxious, sad, and worried, that she still has no reaction to me

Whether I call her name, sister, or wife

I don't care about mine, kissing her, and even holding her breasts tentatively, caressing her like before

Of course I won't have any overthinking thoughts

Xin'er fell asleep in my arms soon and she was sleeping very well

There was even a smile on her face

I watched her all night and still couldn't accept the reality

Can't believe she's going crazy

I fantasized several times that she suddenly opened her eyes, smiled sweetly as before, and called her brother

Then we kiss, caress, and have sex quietly

I only glanced at the eyes for a while until the snow outside the window began to illuminate the room.

After I woke up, I immediately found that Xin'er opened her eyes, looking at me with dull eyes, puzzled and curious.

I helped her get dressed and got up with her

When I left the room, my father had already packed up the floor of the main hall and looked at me inquiringly

I could only shake my head: Dad, get me some money, I will take Xin'er and grandma to the hospital for a look

My father turned around in disappointment and gave me a stack of money

But my grandmother refused to go no matter what she said, and scolded me and my father so much that she was so angry: You are trying to force me to seek death... I am so old that I deserve to die... I just want to see Binzi work and die... You force me... I'll just look for death... Save you guys to look at me and feel upset when I look at me

What else can I say

I can't roll on the ground like I did when I was a kid

I can only go out with my heart with my father and grandma's expectant eyes

They must have felt that they owe a lot of heart

The same goes for me

We owe too much heart

I tried my best to make some compensation, but at that time my ability was still very limited

I took Xin'er to the hospital every day during the winter vacation, and even went to the provincial capital.

But the helpless thing is that mental illness is always difficult to solve, and all doctors can do nothing

The holiday has passed, but my heart has not changed much

Although I really wanted to stay with her and take her to find a treatment until she recovered, my father carefully analyzed the pros and cons for me.

My stay will not help Xin'er much, it will only delay my own studies

My top priority is still to study. Only after I graduate from college and work can I have the ability to truly help my heart

If you don't go... your sister's sins will be in vain. My father said: When you work, you can take her wherever she wants to go, and she will take her to treat her in big cities without having to endure hardships.

No matter how unwilling the sentiment is, rationality gradually gains the upper hand

Only when I continue to go to school, finish college well, and start working can my family's long-term suffering come to an end.

I made up my mind to buy a ticket back to school

On the night before leaving, I hugged my heart for a night

I said, Xin'er, wait for me for another three years

I said, Xin'er, no matter what happened before, it will be fine in three years. We can be together forever and be husband and wife.

I said, Xin'er, no matter what you become, you are my sister and my wife

I said, Xin'er, I love you

But Xin'er didn't know anything, she hugged in my arms and slept very well

The next day I set out again, carrying all the expectations of my family who had experienced hardships on my shoulders

In the next three years, I was different from other students who started to relax when I arrived at university. I worked hard to study and train hard to become a good quasi-police with both good character and academic performance.

Every time I go home during holidays, I will ask for medical treatment and medicine with my heart everywhere

But Xin'er's condition has never improved much

Some doctors said that she was strongly stimulated, so she might get better after another strong stimulation.

Of course, it may be more serious.

Some doctors said that she had a knot that she couldn't open, and as long as the knot was still there, she would always be like this.

Some doctors said that it was her self-protection reaction

Her mental pain was too painful. In order to be less painful, she closed her heart.

To open up the most difficult barrier in the world, it requires not only patience, sincerity, tenderness, but also chance and coincidence

Miracles are needed

Time passed, although it was very different from the initial expectations, but I was still getting closer to my former goals and agreements step by step.

I've finally become a policeman now, living like a man in the city

And now I also know that in the past twenty or thirty years after my birth, in addition to me, there are hundreds of millions of people in this country who have also entered cities of all sizes from rural areas.

What is accompanying my life is the urbanization process of this country

There are countless people entering the city, but the road from the countryside to the city that everyone has walked is different.

Some people's road is flat, some people's road is full of thorns

Some people are born with the Golden Avenue before them, while others have spent their entire lives struggling to complete this painful journey

Some people can take a ride in one way or another, but some people have to fight the whole world

Some people's road is covered with flowers and applause, while others' road is covered with blood and tears

There are still people who can't finish this road at all, either turn back halfway or fall on the way

Everyone who walks this road can see the thicket of white bones on the side of the road

For my present, my grandmother, father and sister paid a heavy price and made a tragic sacrifice.

But fate doesn't give me the chance to repay them

Just a few months before I graduated from college, my grandma finally couldn't wait until I saw me become a policeman.

When I rushed home, all I saw was a portrait and an urn

The one who disappeared at the same time was also the one who disappeared.

My father said: ...Your grandma was not doing well in those few days, and I didn't care about her and didn't watch it. As a result, she ran out. Don't worry, I have sent a missing person notice on the TV station and the newspaper... I will definitely find it.

But I know it's not that simple

At that time, I was trembling all over, full of an unknown premonition, and asked in despair: She has been lost for half a month, and there is no news yet. Why don't you tell me immediately? I'll come back to find Ah together.

My father replied with difficulty: You are not in the exam, but you can only become a policeman if you pass the exam, even if the sky falls, I can't tell you at that time...

Yes, I was taking the exam at that time

Unlike ordinary college students, if we graduates of our police academy want to work in the public security organs, they still have to take the specific public security organ exam.

Because I was not disturbed, I did a good job in the exam and entered the public security bureau where I am now working, and I will soon become a real criminal policeman

But I didn't see the last time I loved my grandmother the most since I was a child, and my heart was lost.

I can't blame my father, I can only rush out of the house

I knew where Xin'er went, and I ran to the small village where I spent my whole childhood and youth without hesitation, recording all the memories of Xin'er and I.

But when I got to the place, I found that the village had disappeared out of thin air

The pumping station and mulberry trees in my memory, the lotus pond and the courtyard of my aunt Mingxiu are all covered by a wide highway and a accompanying high-speed rail track.

I stood blankly on the familiar and unfamiliar field, watching a speeding train roaring, as if crushing my soul

Just in the spring of my 22-year-old, I became a policeman

It was also at that time that my heart was lost

Leaving it in that hometown that does not exist

Until now, I am still a person without a hometown

Although I once told myself that where my heart is, where is my hometown

But can anyone tell me where my heart is?

Since then, I have started a long search

But I didn't stay at home for long because I was going to report to the Public Security Bureau

This time I didn't need my father's persuasion because I already knew how helpful the police officer's identity would be to find someone

My father stayed in the town, desperately searching for Xin'er, but there was no definite news

Perhaps the closest thing to the fact is that several people have said that they have seen two men and women who don’t look serious and take away a crazy girl with similar characteristics to their hearts.

They are probably human traffickers

My heart was abducted

This is the inaccurate result that my father and I got after two years of hard work

Since grandma passed away, my father's health has been getting worse every day

He aging speed was beyond my imagination, but this was normal

He has worked so hard in his life that he has drained all his energy

But every time I ask him to go to the city to live with me and I take care of him, he always says: If I don’t leave, I will leave. What if Xin'er comes back?

Although I know Xin'er won't go back by herself, every time my father asks me this, I can only remain silent

When I became the deputy captain of the criminal police team, he told him to leave. That's what he said

He said that when I paid the down payment in the city and started to own my family's first house in history.

I found that his health was deteriorating and he said so when he was tough in asking him to come to the city for treatment.

Four years after my heart was lost, I received a notice from my father's critical illness.

I rushed back overnight and realized that his illness was much worse than I thought

He's been hiding it from me

Hidden from us

Now that I know the truth, I have reached the point where no one can do anything.

That night I sat in front of the hospital bed, and my father, who was dying, had lost the ability to speak with an oxygen tube when he was stuck.

But he kept looking at me, holding my hand with the last strength, his black lips trembled, as if he was about to say something

I know what he wants to say

I leaned against his ear and said to him gently: Dad, don't worry, I will definitely find Xin'er. She is my sister. You actually know, she is still my wife. Dad, don't worry, Ah, I owe her too much, I will find her, I will not find her in this life, and I will continue to search for her in the next life until I find her. I will live a good life with her. Don't worry, Ah, I am now the deputy captain of the criminal police team, and it's easy to find someone. Every time I fight against trafficking, I will go to find my father...

When I looked up, my father had passed away

He walked uneasy, and his final gaze was filled with apology.

Of course it is not a guilty for me, it is a guilty for Xin'er

But even if he passed away in guilt, I think he still doesn't regret his choice

This is the most painful thing in the world

Even if God gives us another chance to do it again, we can still make the same choice

Since then, I've been alone

I have no hometown, no relatives, and no heart

I will work hard for one thing for the rest of my life, and I will find my heart

If there is a next life, the next life will continue