Chapter 21

Perhaps it is really like he said: A man's love for a woman is measured by his possessiveness of the woman's body! That rogue-like man, who demands excessive demands on my body, I call him a rogue not because he seduces and seduces me, nor because he uses women to approach me and threatens me, because he is a complete rogue in bed! I never knew that a man could be obsessed with sex to such a level, those vulgar postures and those perverted words were not communicating with a woman at all. What he wanted was not the interaction of the heart, he only had lust! I should have disdained such a man who was passionate about me because of sexual desire, but I didn't

I love my husband. Although it seems hypocritical and ridiculous to say that I have the right to love him? What capital do I have to say love to my husband? But I really love him. In my heart, no one can replace him! He is calm and quiet, with delicate emotions. By his side, I can feel safe and pampered. I am completely dependent on him and I dare not imagine his life without him!

What kind of woman am I? I have never seriously thought about myself from my husband's eyes, which made me feel that I am perfect. He always indulges me with appreciation and indulgence, and finally naively thinks that I am a woman who can be called a good wife and mother. I have to act more virtuous. The thoughts buried deep in my heart are even more unspeakable over time, and I gradually become no longer like myself. Sometimes, I will feel that there is another self living in my body, which is a self that I don't even understand. I am full of lustful thoughts and depraved impulses.

My ideal is to find a perfect love I got, my words are the person I have always wanted, and then I became a qualified wife as I had imagined. Everything was based on my vision, without any deviation.

Then what? I haven't thought about what I should pursue after getting love! Over the past two years, I have been confused. Sometimes, I even panic in confusion. I can feel another self growing stronger in confusion until it is strong enough to compete with the self I have worked hard to build over the past twenty years.

I was instinctively afraid because I didn't know where the other self was going to lead me?

It was a powerful desire, which contained the urge to indulge in demanding greed and depravity! I couldn't explain it clearly. If I had to say it, I could only describe it in three words: unwilling to accept it, yes, unwilling to accept it!

I was unwilling to end it just like this, without any pursuit or expectation, watching the years slowly flowing by my side, allowing myself to calm down from prosperity until my life came to an end and completely ended everything. I was unwilling to let myself wander on the edge of a dangerous cliff because of this. Although I have been trying to play a normal me, a way I should be in the eyes of others, to maintain a superficial balance, but I know how fragile such a balance is! It is so fragile that it is vulnerable, and it can even be broken with just a change of thought.

After taking that step with Tong, the balance was broken. No one needs to tell me that I know where I was wrong. As a wife, I shouldn’t betray my husband. As a mother, my behavior is undoubtedly even more unforgivable to others for my morality. My outlook on life cannot tolerate me and continue. But I cannot refuse to admit that I actually long for the kind of debauchery lust. I am actually looking forward to being seduced...

When I was pressed under the body like prey, when his hands were touched by me, or when he spread my legs and licked my lower body, I was degenerate, I gained the satisfaction of my desire from the degeneration, I told myself in my heart: Give up, give up being a good woman, a good wife, a good mother. As long as you give up these thoughts, you can enjoy more intense pleasure, and you can accept the happiness brought to you without any scruples.

However, when everything is over, when the pleasure of my body fades away, I will wake up from the confusion again. The emptiness after indulges me, making me at a loss. Suddenly, there will be a sense of weakness without roots that makes me panic.

After that time, Tong did not force me to attend that kind of chaotic party again. Most of the time, Na came down to call me, and then he would go downstairs to Na's room, where I was there and fooling around with him again and again, he would do it very carefully, just like a skilled worker who had already been familiar with me, he asked me to take off all his clothes, but he sat on the chair neatly, and then asked me to sit on his thighs, slowly caress and kisses me, and he could accurately find the most sensitive position on my body, and then mobilize my lust in the shortest time. He unzipped his penis, took out his penis, put his hard penis against my legs, and then asked me to tell him the feeling of being touched, and let me tell him how he felt when the penis rubbed his thighs, he was like a mentor, leading me to experience desire step by step, and I was like a book that was completely opened, and he was flipping through page by page

I don't know how to describe my mentality at that time: I sat naked in the arms of a man with neat clothes, and was played with like playing with an object... Shame, anxiety, heartbeats faster, lust completely dominated my mind, I can't think of anything, I can't remember anything, I can only passively obey his commands, I seem to be enslaved, he is my master, I have never felt like I have been thoroughly understood by a man, and I have never even experienced this in front of my husband!

I always lost myself at that time. Before he entered my body, I had already gained a huge pleasure from touching and teasing. Even as soon as his hand was stretched between my legs, my nerves would immediately tense, so nervous that my body was trembling, and my whole body became particularly sensitive. The strange feeling was just like the feeling I had dreamed of in my dreams before, ethereal, psychedelic, messy, and unreal...

Before that, except for my husband, I had never had any other man. I didn't know that there were so many tricks for sex. I didn't know that men and women could interact like this! It was this man who opened a door for me. Inside the door was a world I had never seen before. Although I should hate this man, if it weren't for him, maybe I wouldn't have opened that door in my life and wouldn't have found such a world of lust that is fatal attraction to me. But I don't hate him at all. Maybe I should hate myself even more. My body is already flowing with lustful blood, and those desires have been in my heart, but I didn't notice it! Without this man's seduction, the same depravity would appear with another man! The root of the problem lies in myself, in my desire hidden in my heart.

With him, I began to get used to his almost perverted play, and to let my body release a crazier self in his play, from resisting to accepting, almost overnight! Even the moment he entered my body! Looking back, I couldn't believe that I would fall so thoroughly, without reservation, completely open myself to a vulgar old man

Is there any difference? No more, nothing matters. The mistake I made. Even I can't forgive myself. In just one month, my body has been left with a deep mark. It is the mark of another man. It can never be erased or forgotten.

How should I face the words? I hardly dare to think about this question! I know him, I clearly know how he spared no effort to pursue perfection. I dare not imagine what kind of reaction he will react after knowing the truth. All this is cruel and unfair to him. As a man, no one can tolerate such betrayal and humiliation!

I am a failed woman because I can't refuse to fall. My conscience reminds me that I'm sliding into the abyss step by step. I remind me that I'm destroying my family, but I'm just letting all this continue to evolve in an uncontrollable direction. I know that the next one will be a tragedy, and that my world will completely collapse. But I just can't get rid of that ghost-like man, and that I can't resist the pleasure derived from sin.

Next time, next time, I will definitely reject him, I always think so

On the day Yan came back, he wanted to come down to see me several times. At that time, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff. Behind me was the road to go back with a deep abyss. I could see it, but I didn't know if I could walk back. I told him that we should end it. If it went down, it would be nice to anyone. He was excited like a child in love. He repeatedly told me that he loved me, said he liked me, and said that he would not live a day without me. I don't know how credible his words were, but I knew how obsessed with my body! And I had no resistance to such an obsession, and even felt happy, as if I had achieved something. I had never found it with my husband. What he gave me was love pity and tenderness.

But I'm tired of gentleness

I opened the door several times, afraid that he would come downstairs to find me, afraid that my husband would meet me at the door with him, like a child who caused trouble, and I didn't know how to make up for it, only panic and chaos were left.

Na came to me at this time because she came to me for Tong. In order to keep me in the current relationship with Tong, she said she could guarantee that I would not be discovered and that nothing would happen. As long as Tong and I continued for two months, at least two months, when she said this, there was a kind of madness in her eyes, as if she wanted to swallow me at any time.

If you are unwilling to accept my offer, I can give you another choice. She said: I can introduce you to other men, maybe they can be younger and better than him, I will arrange the right time for you. In short, you must listen to me, and you must listen to me in the past two months! After this time, I will give you freedom, and I will disappear in your life forever, and your life will return to the same

I was frightened by her bizarre proposal. I could not imagine that she would make such a ridiculous request, nor could I imagine that I would accept one strange man after another like a senior prostitute! I still had luck in my heart. I hope these things would pass soon. I hope that my husband would not discover anything, so that I could have enough time to quit my desires and return to my crazy woman before. I don’t know what kind of things she would do. I am not afraid of my husband’s future judgment because I deserve it. If I can’t forgive my fault, I can leave quietly. Although I will be reluctant to leave, I can accept such punishment

But I can't let her expose these things to the people around her, so that even if I leave, my husband and daughter will still live in the strange eyes of others. At that time, I was really guilty!

What else can I do besides accepting it?

Then Tong came downstairs and I went out to greet him. I begged Tong not to mess around at my house. I told him that my husband was going back. He said ok, as long as I didn't mention breaking up, as long as I was willing to continue to let him love, he was completely satisfied. He said that what he liked the most was affair. He liked me to look for him with my husband on my back.

I know what love in his mouth means. His love is just naked lust. But what's more sad is that I fell into the lust and couldn't extricate myself. I was like an addict who was addicted to poison. He knew that something was wrong and the consequences were terrible, but he was addicted to it and could not turn back.

Repentance is too late for me. I don’t know how he discovered it. But I can be sure that he must have discovered something. I know him too well. He is a very sensitive person. If he has something to do, he will not tell others. But people will become silent. I looked at him with a lot of thoughts. My heart was like a mountain pressing down on it. It’s indescribable that I thought of confessing everything to him several times, and then letting him make a judgment. I don’t have the courage. I have deep fear in my heart. It’s ridiculous. Before, I never thought how important the family is to me, how important the husband and children are to me. Although I did something wrong and made unforgivable mistakes, I never thought that I would leave me. I was a selfish woman, so selfish that I would ignore the ubiquitous love of my husband. I was like a child who was young and had a knife in his heart!

Why is the person who is most likely to hurt is always the best person to himself?

The recording ends here, interrupted

I was stunned, with no expression on my face

I can't feel what I feel. As a man, I should feel ashamed and angry when I listen to my wife telling the story of all kinds of disastrousness between me and other men in front of women.

My dignity disappeared little by little in front of Su Qing. I didn't expect that my dedication to my wife was actually a good deed!

Unexpectedly, in Yan's heart, there was a crazy side that was unbelievable. The quiet and elegant wife, the virtuous and dignified wife, were all images she disguised!

I suddenly felt that I was stupid, even so stupid that I was childish

I have been used to not being by my parents since I was a child and being used to being responsible for myself, so I never want to lie to anyone

I treat everyone around me openly because I don’t need to hide or cover up my own flaws.

I always thought that people are like this, and they should be like this, honest, straightforward, always live in the sunshine, live openly and openly

Especially for your own relatives, you should face it sincerely without any grudges. Even in the most secret corner, you can happily reveal your favorite person.

Love is tolerant, tolerant of everything you love

This is the dogma I believe in. I think I did a good job. At least I treat her, I love Yan, from beginning to end, and I do my best to care and tolerance.

But until now I realized that the wife I tolerated and cared for turned out to be just an illusory mirror!

My wife who has lived with me for four years is like a polyhedral. She only showed me one side of her, even one side of her!

So, have the past four years actually been four years of dreaming about the same bed and dreaming about the same dream?

So, was the Yan I loved at the beginning just an illusion of myself?

Or maybe, what I love is only a part of Yan, a very small part!

I can't be sure if her shyness in the bed and her reserve under me. If all of this was her disguise, then what was our love back then?

Is it just an impulse?

If love is just an impulse, then what is the point of love?

A hand reached out, gently pressed on my face, gently stroked it

Then, Su Qing's face slowly came over and stared at my eyes

Have you collapsed?

She asked in a low voice: Your four years of love have never beaten the lust of a hooligan. The woman you love the most can get an orgasm in the arms of a strange man! Are you still not convinced? Are you disappointed with her?

I looked at Su Qing without saying a word

Her beautiful face was filled with sadness, and in her bright eyes, there was a flowing mist

But, this is a woman, a real woman...

Su Qing pressed my thumb on the middle of my eyebrows and gently rubbed it, as if she wanted to flatten the texture I had wrinkled: To truly understand a person is an impossible dream, even if you are closest to someone, even those you think you can fully understand, you will never be able to go deep into the other person's thoughts, let alone women. Every woman has different secrets, and some secrets, even if you live with her for the rest of your life, you may not have the chance to know.

Love is a double-edged sword. Because of love, two people cannot help but come together. They can't help but want to understand each other. It is because of love that people hide each other. The deeper they love, the more they dare not open up the darkness in their hearts that they dare not even face. Let the good side of the person they love the most. Isn't every pair of people who love each other doing? If you believe in love, if you want to stick to love, then the first thing you have to do is to face the darkest part of human nature! You have to accept the accessories brought to you by love. These should be excluded from love and will never be mentioned, but when you want to love someone intact, you will inevitably encounter these... lies, selfishness, fallacy, betrayal...

Because this is what you love already have. Even if you have never seen it before, it does not mean that it does not exist but is just hidden deeper!

I watched Su Qing fall in a daze. Is it hidden in every woman's body?